Sunak committed to more green coloured cars by 2035

Rishi Sunak has been busy putting the 'mentalist' into 'environmentalist', by committing the UK to dramatically increase the number of cars that are painted green. However he has drawn some criticism for pushing the deadline for this back from 2030 to 2035 and not including cars that are aquamarine or turquoise.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst explained 'Rishi can’t see what difference 5 minutes makes. Besides he wants the car industry to bring back lead based paint. Taking lead out of paint is woke and the EU are to blame. We in the Tory party welcome an increase in the number of people who are mentally impaired because that means more votes for us!'

'And we’re going to bring back CFCs. That ozone layer has had it too good for too long.'

Journalists struggling to find metaphors for RAAC crisis

Journalists are struggling to find metaphors to sum up the government's appalling handling of the ongoing RAAC crisis.

One leader writer for The Guardian commented, 'There's just nothing to work with, the government is crumbling over this thing, slowly deteriorating and falling apart and we just can't link it to this failing school infrastructure story. They're probably all pissed at another bring a bottle party'

While another reporter observed, 'We are literally racking our brains on coming up with zingers, I mean what do we know about Reinforced Autoclaved Aerated Concrete, we're not engineers who think they're funny.'

A colleague added, 'The Prime Minister has poor support and needs replacing, surely old construction material issues can be combined with that for a catchy one liner. It's so frustrating. '

After several cups of coffee and staring at his blank screen for two hours The Editor finally said: ' I know what about this as our front page? Super-Fragile-Bad-Logistics-Sunak-is-atrocious.'

Grant Shapps is Defence Secretary - don't have nightmares!

On his first day as Secretary of Defence, Grant Shapps appeared to promise to quadruple the size and effectiveness of Britain's Armed Forces.

One sycophantic apparatchik simpered 'Grant is so good at fixing all the problems in a government department, that he's had 5 ministerial posts in 12 months. He's also great at making one person look like they have four identities, so quadrupling the army is right in his wheelhouse.'

Rishi Sunak is thought to consider Shapps to be well qualified for the post of Defence Secretary as Shapps tried both clay pigeon shooting and archery on a stag do. However attendees on that stag do reported that Shapps was 'a danger to himself and others' and was 'better suited to organising the piss up in a brewery', which turned into an 'alcopop fuelled fiasco.'

Photo by Kevin Schmid on Unsplash