Rwanda bill only impacts people called Bill

Instead of targetting thousands of asylum seekers, the new law will deport less than a dozen people, alongside a very confused Bill Oddie. Mr Sunak had promised to turn back the tide, instead he has just unleashed Bill Cosby on the unsuspecting women of Rwanda.

The error was attributed to the late-night vote and not enough coffee.

The House of Lords offered an amendment to extend the system to Williams and Billys, but by that point national treasure Bill Nighy was bound and gagged.

The Home Office apologised to any Bills effected: 'It feels that we are arbitrarily persecuting innocent people, at a huge cost to the taxpayer...but that was always the intention.'

image from pixabay

Grand National 2024 - the NewsBiscuit Guide

It’s one of the most formidable endurance challenges on the planet. An incomprehensibly hard slog towards an end that seemingly will never arrive. Only a few can even contemplate taking it on, and just a handful will reach the finish line. But, that’s enough about trying to plough though Liz Truss’s latest memoir, what about the form for the 2024 Grand National? Here’s Newsbiscuit’s annual guide to the runners and riders:

Sunak’s Swansong – undoubtedly will be the last appearance for this diminutive thoroughbred, who struggles to see over the hurdles, never mind jump them. Has recently switched to a new trainer – some white Adidas Sambas that look ridiculous. Odds on him permanently swapping the PM paddock for his Santa Monica penthouse later this year are shorter than his Savile Row trousers. 10-1

Trump’s Folly - Distinctively coloured in orange and grey, the surprise winner of the 2016 Presidential Stakes now spends most of his time now at his Mar-a-Lago stables, grazing on fried chicken and right wing vitriol. Carrying a lot of extra weight and allegedly still giving a few pounds (or dollars) away to Stormy’s Secret. Still has eyes on a big race later this year, but facing multiple hurdles to even get to the start line. Avoid at all costs. 69-1.

Biden his time – popular winner over Trump’s Folly in 2020. Will be front runner in the Presidential Stakes later this year, but a warhorse this old has never won that big race. Unlike Trump’s MAGA platform, Biden will be campaigning on a Saga ticket. May need a few reminders to get him across the line. 81 (years old) -1

My Little Honeytrap – watch out for this canny and elusive operator. Has recently caused mayhem over the jumps at Westminster, unseating one and potentially bringing down others with unconventional riding style. Stablemates with DickPic Danger and Here’s a Reminder, this one loves a good photo finish. Please note, the whip has been removed for this horse. 3-1

Keir’s Here – a strong favourite for the Downing Street Stakes later this year, there remain stern questions about his positioning. Likely to race as close to the centre ground as he can, staying out of trouble, flanked as ever by close allies Reeves Robotic Response and Easy Streeting. 10-11 favourite

Rayners Gains -a dogged campaigner with some notable victories in the Despatch Box Handicap over Sunak’s Swansong. Allegations of excess nosebagging and failure to declare race winnings not likely to unsettle this one. 15,000 (capital gains bill) - 1

Horizon Horror – this mare, out of Piss Poor Post Office and National Scandal should have been sent to the glue factory 20 years ago, but has somehow stumbled on, enabled by a succession of incompetent owners. True scale of this horse’s ineptitude and malice only now becoming apparent through a long overdue Stewards Enquiry. 2000 (Subpostmasters) - 1

Saltburn Snippets – came from nowhere in 2023 to be a regular watercooler talking point in 2024. Unpredictable, at times this dark horse can sometimes be impossible to watch. Jockey Oliver Quick’s bathing and drinking habits may be unorthodox, but is known for timing his finishes to perfection. 6-1

Horse Race - Free photo on Pixabay - Pixabay

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Sunak could be replaced with a Greggs sausage roll

Still trailing in the polls, the Tory Party is desperate for a leader who is popular, affordable and ideally covered in puff pastry. With that in mind, Gregg's sausage roll has emerged as the best candidate to regenerate the country and solve our lunchtime hunger pangs.

The sausage roll is the one part of the economy that is still flourishing. Plus, Sunak has only a fraction of the appeal and nutritional value of the roll. Nobody knows whether the roll has a platform of policies but it does sit on a shelf of delights.

Easier to swallow than Sunak's agenda, the sausage roll is hoping to run unopposed. Observed one MP: 'It's hard to imagine the appeal of a load of loose meat encased in skin but he's Prime Minister now.'

Photo by Matt Seymour on Unsplash