East African split proves Rwanda isn't safe

Scientists have announced that the East African fault line means a significant part of East Africa will separate from the main part of the continent and form a new ocean between them in a timescale described as 'millions of years or however long it takes the Tories to be trusted again'.

Campaigners against the Rwanda deportation plan point out that as Rwanda is likely to be floating off sometime in the future it can't be classed as a safe place, no matter what geological legislation the government passes.  Government supporters of the plan, however, are more interested to know if a floating Rwanda is likely to be cheaper to hire than a Bibby Stockholm.

Photo by James Wiseman on Unsplash

Prime Minister to change name to "Rizz Sunak" to court young voters

The Prime Minister came out swinging today when he announced his intention to be known as "Rizz Sunak" for the rest of his administration.

'Call me Rizz, yeah?' said Mr Sunak at a press conference, sparking memories of former PM David "Call Me Dave" Cameron, now a cabinet member. He went on, 'The old dishy Rishi is gone, Rizz is here now and he's going to Rizz up this cabinet. Who's with me, Fam?'

A confused press corps looked confused and slightly alarmed as Mr Sunak appeared to be wearing an enormous hoody with the words "Toriez 4 life" on it; red adidas tracksuit bottoms; Blue Nike Air Force ones; and, perhaps most bafflingly, a beanie emblazoned with the Rwandan map.

After taking questions and answering in a bewildering new accent, somewhere in between Eton and East Ham, Mr Sunak said he was leaving to be with his Cabi-fam such as Dowdz (Oliver Dowden), Shappsy (Grant Shapps) and M-Govs (Michael Gove) pointing out that the latter knows where to get the good stuff.

Rishi Sunak's poll ratings surge on promise of legislation for all year round pigs in blankets

Much beleaguered Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak, has finally found a formula to drive his polling numbers higher today when he announced a Royal Commission investigation into the possible introduction of legislation for supermarkets to stock pigs in blankets all year round.

'We have sausages all year round and we have bacon all your round, ' said Mr Sunak in a speech to Conservative think tank 'Britons for Traditional Values', 'so why can't we have Pigs in Blankets all year round!' There were rapturous cheers and whistles from the room.

'I will, next year, institute a Royal Commission tasked with the feasibility of introducing legislation compelling supermarkets and smaller concerns to stock Pigs in Blankets all year round.'

The announcement was met with all-party support, with Sir Keir Starmer even crossing the Parliamentary divide to shake Mr Sunak's hand. Even the Speaker rose to applaud the PM on his entry to Parliament this week.

It is thought that the Commission, likely to be headed up by Liz Truss, will be convened early next year with public eagerly awaiting it's findings.