US shoppers forced to choose between food and guns

US retail sales are under strain as shoppers grapple with rising costs.  Food prices continue to rise and gas is heading back up to five dollars a gallon.

Retailers say that shoppers are having to choose between heating, eating and shooting.  In many stores food sales are down, but sales of guns and ammunition are up.

'It's a bunker mentality,' said the quartermaster for a well-known chain of megamarts.  'Shoppers are thinking, what's the point in eating, if the US of A is overrun by commie loving left wing illegal immigrant traitors?  Guns and ammo are their top priority and everything else comes second.  You can't actually eat lead, but I believe that some hillbillies might be trying. They can't afford to heat their homesteads, but they know that if you fire off enough rounds, the gun will warm up and you can use it like a hot water bottle.  With the safety on, obviously.

'We are helping customers address the 'eat or shoot' dilemma by offering great deals, including promotions that link basic foods with armaments.  For example, buy twelve trifles, get a free rifle.  And buy a Magnum (ice cream or wine) and get a Magnum (pistol) free.  Our deal of the day is 'buy five shooters and get the six shooter free'.

'There was a riot in a competing store after it offered a ten dollar Saturday Night Special.  Shoppers became very angry when this turned out to be a deal on pizza and soda, and not a pistol with the serial number filed off.

'For our part, we are determined to offer the best value to our target market, which is undernourished gun-toting crazies,' he continued. 'We're massacring prices. You should get down here like a shot. Come and scope us out. We've got sights for sore eyes. We've got RPGs, and they ain't video games. And we've got the very best hardware, and I don't mean mops and buckets. Although we do have those too...'

image by grok

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Council tells Aldi to take down all the flags

West Wassick District Council has written to its local Aldi store asking them to take down all the flags decorating the store.

A spokesman told us: ‘Many members of the community are distressed by the flags. They are well aware that Aldi was started by two German brothers and that it remains in German ownership. The extravagant displays of Union Flags in store are therefore inappropriate, unsettling and borderline sarcastic.

‘While Aldi may claim that it is ‘Backing British Farmers’ they may have omitted the words ‘Into A Corner’. We fear that their flag waving is more about extracting cash from customers than it is about patriotism.

'The Council has taken steps to paint over flags on mini-roundabouts and to take down flags on lamp posts. We are nothing if not fair, so we are telling Aldi that they need to take their flags down too – to waive the flags, if you like. 

'Don’t say we haven’t got a sense of humour.'

Picture credit: Wix AI

Breaking news: supermarket changes a price

A supermarket has changed the price of a thing it sells, and this is big news.

The thing has been at a different price until now, when it has gone up.

Many food prices are going up.  You may have noticed.  Meat, coffee, butter, eggs, bread.  Just about everything, really.

Shops change their prices all the time, up, down, up, mostly up. However, today's price change is iconic, because it's a thing that is an ordinary thing, that ordinary people buy every day, and because it's a food thing, and we've all got to eat.

It's a good thing that news media exists, because now you are warned in advance that the thing is more expensive.  And this will give you time to prepare.  And think about whether you want this thing at the new price, or whether you should shop elsewhere, or just resort to shoplifting. They wouldn't nick you for a £4 meal deal.  Would they?

To be on the safe side, why not get up five minutes earlier and make yourself a sandwich instead.  And then you can spend your savings on booze.

Image: stevepb - Pixabay

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