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Britain to be broken up and sold for parts



A spokesman for the business secretary, Grant Schnapps, has said he did ‘nothing wrong’ by selling the UK to a dodgy scrap dealer he met in a pub. The Parliamentary Commissioner for Standards has confirmed the arrangement was registered and is above board and hunky dory. Mr Schnapps said he chose the scrap dealer because he offers value for money to the British taxpayer.


Mr Schnapps was introduced to the man in a pub by a man hoping to become the Chairman of the BBC, Richard Shark. The would-be Chairman insists he did ‘nothing wrong’ and the Broadcasting Standards Authority has confirmed the arrangement is above board and hunky dory. Mr Shark said he chose the scrap dealer because he offered value for money to the license fee payer.


The scrap dealer will begin dismantling the UK by next Friday at the latest. He has agreed to turn a blind eye to awkward paperwork and all that EU red tape. He insists he did ‘nothing wrong’ and the Scrap Dealer Standards Commissioner has confirmed the arrangement is registered, beyond reproach, and hunky dory. Mr Kray's yard offers value for money to the British taxpayer.


A government press officer declined to comment as he was too busy removing the editors of the Daily Mail and Express from his rectum.



BBC admits to losing some news



A BBC spokesman has admitted that some news items may have become 'lost'. 'We had them, on a piece of paper on a desk somewhere, but we just can't find them,' he said.


The spokesman said that he recalled something about a conservative peer allegedly siphoning off a shed load of money for procuring inadequate PPE, something else about a VIP lane company run by a conservative donor being paid to procure a shed load of inadequate PPE and then being paid to incinerate it. He also had a recollection that a senior conservative MP who had held and continues to hold senior positions in the government who had denied owing HMRC lots of money last summer and then, after a successful investigation by HMRC, deciding to pay an eye watering amount of unpaid taxes that historically have been accompanied with a jail sentence.


'We do have a lot of news about the weather, so we've filled the front page with news about snow in case nobody noticed; and there's still lots of news about Harry and Meghan. And the unions blackmailing the country. Buggered if I know where the other news went, though,' he said, uploading another photo of a town covered in a dusting of snow.




Nurses pay rise accidentally went to Nadhim Zahawi




The ex-Chancellor insisted he was not guilty of dodging millions in tax, but said the money had instead come from the public sector wages. An aide commented: 'If you add up the 10% owed to everyone, it just about covers what Mr. Zahawi spends on horse feed.'


Meanwhile the nurses have been given all of Mr.Zahawi's bills in error. Said one confused nurse: 'I was expecting at least 7%, but all I got was an invoice for a gold-plated swimming pool.'


Mr. Zahawi said he would be giving back the money as soon as he could find the missing millions - among the rest of his loose change.



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