Tea-shop owners in Gloucestershire and beyond are annoyed by the arrival of US B-52 bombers at RAF Flatford which they say are causing their teacups to rattle and, in some cases, fall on the floor.
Polly Smith who runs the Hippity Hoppity café in the village, said: “Our whole cottage trembles when they take-off. You haven’t seen or heard anything like it. The thatch is starting to lift too. I know there’s a war on, but have some respect.”
Farmers report problems too. “Our dairy cattle don’t like the noise at all,” said Kevin Barbour. “Their milk is not so much homogenised, as traumatised.”
The giant airplanes, the largest in the US Airforce, often fly low over the Cotswolds because President Trump likes the sound of Upper and Lower Slaughter. “Maybe that’s where we should send the new Khamenei,” he told reporters. “One minute he’s here, then he’s scone – we’ll let him have cream and jam before we Upper and Lower Slaughter him.”
Café owners report problems with another group too – airplane enthusiasts. “They come in, swinging their giant lenses as if they own the place,” said Jenny Martin. “But I’ll admit they did help with something. I’ve been trying to work out how many cups I’ve lost since the Yanks arrived. One of photographers said ‘does this help?’, and he showed me a picture of the head of the plane. Just next to the door were his ‘kills’, little paintings of my cups! I’m still waiting to hear from the White House. They were from John Lewis too.”
The Northern Ireland Assembly, which only today resumed business after a two year hiatus, has unfortunately broken up again in a row about whether members should be served tea or coffee during debates.
'My community has enjoyed the Great British cup of tea for generations,' bellowed Dr Ian Wingnut of the Demented Unstable Party. 'If my legitimate and peaceful demand for tea is not met, there will be violent reprisals.'
'Tea is a British imperialist imposition and my community utterly rejects it,' snarled Spuddy Spud McSpudderson of the Definitely No Links To Terrorists Party. 'Give me coffee - preferably a decaf latte, no sugar - or give me death.'
At this point, Fionnula Sandalista of the centrist Alliance party suggested that perhaps members could choose whether they preferred tea or coffee on an individual basis. This was immediately denounced as "drift" and 'moral relativism' by both the main parties.
The situation was almost resolved when the caretaker announced that power to the building was cut off during the hiatus and hadn’t been restored yet, so hot drinks of any kind were impossible. He offered to nip out to a coffee shop for them, only for the assembly to break up in an acrimonious row about whether they preferred Caffè Nero or Costa.
First published 5 Feb 2024
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