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Teachers demands now include a helicopter



The government has stated that the teachers' demands now include 'one million pounds in used notes, a guaranteed safe journey to the nearest local airport, a helicopter to take them to a waiting fully-fuelled jet with permission to fly to any location in the world - for every teacher in England.' Teaching assistants are expected to use local buses or Ubers for the first part of the journey except in London where they are expected to cycle to Heathrow.


The teaching unions claim that the statement put out by the government is 'inaccurate' and the initial version also contained 'spelling mistakes and poor use of grammar' which the government defended due to the 'limitations of running government policy using Twitter'.


'More importantly,' insisted a teaching union spokesperson, 'we didn't make those demands. All we asked for was an increase on the current pay offer to offset the rise in inflation and a commitment to better funding State schools. We'd have asked for various currencies in mixed denominations if we were planning to skip the country, if only to assist in maths, geography and home economics lessons,'' he added.


In other news, a government spokesman has confirmed that a film script for the next Die Hard movie had been misplaced in the House of Commons reading room after the film company making the film had requested access to the HoC for some action shots.



First published 16 Mar 2023



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Teacher finally concludes whose time was wasted


Brendan Leach, a school maths teacher for twenty-three years has finally worked out that, actually, it was his own time he'd been wasting.


'Teacher training consisted of three years learning when it was appropriate to touch a student - never - and to learn parrot-fashion how to conclude "it's your time you're wasting". There was a bit about Pythagoras, decimal multiplication and fractions, but nothing about the real tools for teaching, such as the "spoon of learning",' he said today.


'The "spoon of learning" is the only way to achieve grade A* results that allow the school to keep its funding and teachers their sanity,' he added. He demonstrated by pulling a spoon out of his tweed jacket's top pocket and inserting it in your reporter's mouth. 'That traditionally is how you get a C,' he said. Holding the spoon away from the reporter he added, 'and if you wanted to get a B, in the old days, students would have to walk towards the spoon, do some of the work'. Popping the spoon in his top pocket he declared that in a 'fair and just society, those who wanted an A grade would bring their own spoon'.


'But today they don't need their own spoon, don't need to walk towards yours and if the teacher doesn't ram it down their little gullets he or she gets the sack,' he said. 'So, they can waste all the time they like, and still end up with qualifications that would have been unbelievable twenty years ago and could get any high-flying job they fancied as long as they had the gift of the gab and friends in the right places' he added.


Eton School was unavailable for comment.



Forst published 27 Nov 2022



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