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The army has agreed to bail the government out to prevent a winter of discontent. 'Ambulances will be staffed by members of 1 Para,' shouted a Regimental Sergeant Major. 'They will triage all callers and shoot any that have a low chance of survival,' he said, very loudly. Nurses will be replaced by the infantry. 'We are practising holding wrists, gazing at watches as if it means something, and making non-committal grunts by numbers as we speak,' he said, pulling up your reporter's wrist on the count of 'one-two', gazing at his watch on the count of 'one-two - er - another one - another one - some more ones'.
Schools are going to be run on regimental training school grounds with naked swims in the lake, running around the quadrangle naked and showers, naked of course, before any teaching. Students are allowed to join in if they want to. 45 Commando will be responsible for delivering mail by yomping up and down the country, sipping grenades into post boxes and setting up command positions at the end of every street in the country.
'We'll do this if the government agrees to our pay demand,' stated an Army officer. The government is now understood to be considering mobilising the Salvation Army instead.
image from pixabay
Brendan Leach, a school maths teacher for twenty-three years has finally worked out that, actually, it was his own time he'd been wasting.
'Teacher training consisted of three years learning when it was appropriate to touch a student - never - and to learn parrot-fashion how to conclude "it's your time you're wasting". There was a bit about Pythagoras, decimal multiplication and fractions, but nothing about the real tools for teaching, such as the "spoon of learning",' he said today.
'The "spoon of learning" is the only way to achieve grade A* results that allow the school to keep its funding and teachers their sanity,' he added. He demonstrated by pulling a spoon out of his tweed jacket's top pocket and inserting it in your reporter's mouth. 'That traditionally is how you get a C,' he said. Holding the spoon away from the reporter he added, 'and if you wanted to get a B, in the old days, students would have to walk towards the spoon, do some of the work'. Popping the spoon in his top pocket he declared that in a 'fair and just society, those who wanted an A grade would bring their own spoon'.
'But today they don't need their own spoon, don't need to walk towards yours and if the teacher doesn't ram it down their little gullets he or she gets the sack,' he said. 'So, they can waste all the time they like, and still end up with qualifications that would have been unbelievable twenty years ago and could get any high-flying job they fancied as long as they had the gift of the gab and friends in the right places' he added.
Eton School was unavailable for comment.
photo: https://pixabay.com/users/steveriot1-6715269/
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