Army to cover ambulance drivers, nurses, teachers and posties
The army has agreed to bail the government out to prevent a winter of discontent. 'Ambulances will be staffed by members of 1 Para,' shouted a Regimental Sergeant Major. 'They will triage all callers and shoot any that have a low chance of survival,' he said, very loudly. Nurses will be replaced by the infantry. 'We are practising holding wrists, gazing at watches as if it means something, and making non-committal grunts by numbers as we speak,' he said, pulling up your reporter's wrist on the count of 'one-two', gazing at his watch on the count of 'one-two - er - another one - another one - some more ones'.
Schools are going to be run on regimental training school grounds with naked swims in the lake, running around the quadrangle naked and showers, naked of course, before any teaching. Students are allowed to join in if they want to. 45 Commando will be responsible for delivering mail by yomping up and down the country, sipping grenades into post boxes and setting up command positions at the end of every street in the country.
'We'll do this if the government agrees to our pay demand,' stated an Army officer. The government is now understood to be considering mobilising the Salvation Army instead.
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