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Nurses release their Christmas charity single eight months early



After the rejection of the latest pay offer by members, and in anticipation of strikes until the end of the year, the nurses union has just released its charity Christmas single, eight months early.


A spokesperson said that the money from sales of the single will be used to help nurses with their food and energy bills.


The charity single is a reworking of the 12 days of Christmas and celebrates daily life in the NHS. The lyrics are as follows


On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me

Twelve lawsuits coming

Eleven MPs sniping

Ten doctors beeping

No pay financing

Eight nurses wilting

Seven bedpans brimming

Six patients paying

Five cold meals

Four bawling babs

Three French SRNs

Two rubber gloves

And a single doctor left in A&E


The nurses union explained that the song is ‘just a bit of fun’ and that NHS patients should not expect to see ten doctors when they visit hospital, unless there is a picket line. They also wanted to make clear that NHS food is usually served hot (or lukewarm for meetings about pay negotiations) and is very nutritious. The reference to five cold meals is about the food at weekends and bank holidays, when another tray of sandwiches and a banana can feel a bit disappointing.



First published 23 April 2023


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Nurses striking as ‘too many things up peoples' butts’



Nurses are striking to get slightly-better-than-terrible pay and conditions for their essential and difficult job. Unfortunately the Tories recently got a sticker and a lollipop for over a decade of deliberately underfunding the NHS. Mostly however, nurses want not to have to pull things out of peoples' butts.


Bob Bridlington said ‘I was hoovering. I just happened to be naked. I slipped and the ketchup bottle somehow went up my butt.’


Nurse Eleanor Evans donned rubber gloves, sighing ‘I’d have a tiny bit of respect if they just said “I thought it would be fun, but now it’s stuck”. Would you like to know which Tory MPs and cabinet ministers have been in this position?’


There was a sickening pop sound as Evans continued ‘Which ones haven’t more like. Some of them should have a loyalty card.’




First published 17 Dec 2022


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‘Government could be forced to withhold hand-claps unless nurses get back to work’ warns Barclay



Health Secretary Steven Barclay has warned NHS workers they risk losing any future accolades and hand-claps of appreciation unless they end their pay dispute and get back to work immediately.


NHS staff should concentrate on saving people's lives and not waste their time standing on picket lines in the hope that government ministers might be listening to their unfair demands.


Barclay also warned front line staff that the Government was considering taking back all the hand-claps and saucepan bangs they received during lockdown.


‘Tens of thousands of ambulance workers, call handlers, paramedics, nurses and doctors could all be stripped of those hard won hand-claps,’ sneered a Department of Health spokes-Scrooge. ‘All that banging on saucepans, Boris standing on the doorstep of Number 10 beating his wok, showering workers with thanks for saving the nation …it will all have been for nothing. And what do they hope to gain from strike action? A few extra pounds in their pay-packets? Shorter working hours? Investment in the NHS? Reduced waiting times at A&E? Are they really prepared to lose all those wonderful hand-claps just for that? Christmas might well be the time for giving, but nurses will get nothing from us'.


First published 26 Dec 2022



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