Anticipating Nigel Farage being installed as prime minister, or possibly King, Reform voter and constitutionally misinformed Roy Jones admitted that, given Reform's underwhelming showing at the recent general elections, he would probably need to resort to eating traditional meals, as opposed to the buckets of Liberal tears he'd previously boasted of drinking online.
When approached for comment, Jones replied "My GP told me that figurative tears were nutritionally void and that I'd still be needing to consume around 2000 calories a day."Â
"A lot of what he was saying sounded like the kind of science the mainstream media would peddle, so I initially dismissed it as the establishment trying to keep me down, just like they did with Nige. I am hungry though..." He added with a morose sigh.
Jones' Doctor, choosing to waive patient confidentiality, confirmed: "I did have to explain to Mr Jones that even if he consumed a full bucket of these tears as he threatened to do several time during our appointment, due to the high salt concentration, it would only serve to dehydrate him.
"I had to delicately explain, there's simply no infrastructure in place for the rapid collection and distribution of a human's tears - then I explained it again using words with less than three syllables and a sock puppet I use for paediatrics.
"... I also can't imagine what Orwellian nightmare machine he was picturing that could extract eye moisture from a human. I've reported it to the police and several Aldi stores in the area anyway - cause even with Stewart the Sock-Doc explaining it, I'm still not sure he fully understood why that phrase can't be taken literally."
