'Following the despicable example set by Kemi Badenoch,' said an Ofcom spokes-pixel, 'we are worried that other bloody-minded reactionaries in Britain may take a stand and not watch the compelling, 100% factual Adolescence and its promised follow-up.
'We are now getting Labour to make its poodle MPs pass a law fining people £500 for failure to view every second of these Netflix masterpieces.
'You will all then be obliged to get into a huge moral panic and fret out loud, at dinner parties and in public meetings, about how absolutely awful 'these incels' are.
'There will also be custodial sentences for 'Adolescence deniers' - people who claim its plot is not perfectly truthful. It is a real-life documentary, as the Prime Minister stated in the Commons. You only have to see the terribly life-like camera techniques they used to know how right he is about this.
'We are also demanding legislation to make Paddington Bear Britain's new patron saint.
'The statues of him popping up on benches across the country are to be treated as sacred objects, and anyone caught defiling one will be subjected to a tedious sermon on inclusivity from some self-righteous judge who wants good copy in the papers.
Picture by Nabil Saleh from Unsplash/Wix
'I was going to blame this outage for the fact I haven't done any work for most of the last 6 months.' said office worker Gary Grimthwaite, who loathes his job, both privately and publicly.
'I bet those dweebs will be in at the weekend fixing it too, so on Monday morning I'll be able to work as normal. I wonder how long I could claim it still isn't working for me. I reckon I could buy at least a day. There's a Bergerac double bill later.'
IT Manager Amy Armstrong said, 'It's a worldwide problem, so I can't do anything about it. Apart from claiming the overtime for supposedly working on a solution. And the credit for turning our servers off and on again.'
CEO Clementine Carruthers fumed, 'This just proves that working from home is morally wrong. The plebs should be in an office where I can secretly monitor them on CCTV from my yacht in international waters. What is Outlook anyway? I do all my communication on the Dark Web. Nothing dodgy.'
Carruthers' PA sighed, 'I changed the background colour of her laptop to black and told her it was the Dark Web. And she's definitely going to jail.'
Picture credit: Wix AI