BBC to stop delivering news at weekends

Now that the Royal Mail have received approval to cut deliveries of second class mail, the BBC is proposing to stop delivering news at weekends.

A spokesman said, 'There's no proper news at weekends. The government doesn't issue any press releases, politicians are away with their mistresses, and councils and businesses don't answer their phones. 

‘Often, the only way to fill air-time is to film vox pop interviews in the High Street.  Because the man in the street's opinion on the big issues can be very well considered and insightful.  Although usually it's just ill-informed, misguided and borderline weird.  And we aren’t supposed to fill news programmes with opinion.

'The only reliable source of news stories at the weekend is from overseas. It’s easy to cut-and-paste international news stories from AP and Reuters. The only domestic news is about village fêtes, charity fundraising, stores and pubs closing down, bin collections, traffic, and weather (hot, cold, windy, watery, drought-y, sunburn-y, pollen-y).  And occasionally there's a summer riot.  

'Most of the weekend news bulletins are filmed on Friday mornings, and then we go down the pub. The work experience kids add in any topical updates later, using clips they've found on TikTok and quotes from social meeja.  The weekend news is a joke.  It's not worth the effort. We shouldn't have to do it.

'We could just let the radio deal with any real news.  ChatGPT can write the copy and then someone can phone it in from home.   

'It's your BBC during the week.  At the weekends, your BBC needs a rest.'

Image credit: perchance.org

Director General confirms BBC will not be televising Glastonbury 2026

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Ofcom to fine non-viewers of Adolescence

'Following the despicable example set by Kemi Badenoch,' said an Ofcom spokes-pixel, 'we are worried that other bloody-minded reactionaries in Britain may take a stand and not watch the compelling, 100% factual Adolescence and its promised follow-up.

'We are now getting Labour to make its poodle MPs pass a law fining people £500 for failure to view every second of these Netflix masterpieces.

'You will all then be obliged to get into a huge moral panic and fret out loud, at dinner parties and in public meetings, about how absolutely awful 'these incels' are.

'There will also be custodial sentences for 'Adolescence deniers' - people who claim its plot is not perfectly truthful. It is a real-life documentary, as the Prime Minister stated in the Commons. You only have to see the terribly life-like camera techniques they used to know how right he is about this.

'We are also demanding legislation to make Paddington Bear Britain's new patron saint.

'The statues of him popping up on benches across the country are to be treated as sacred objects, and anyone caught defiling one will be subjected to a tedious sermon on inclusivity from some self-righteous judge who wants good copy in the papers.

Picture by Nabil Saleh from Unsplash/Wix