Met to co-opt clerics to CID

With the Metropolitan Police struggling to win over the hearts and minds of the public, let alone solve slam-dunk cases, they have decided to take a leaf out of regional police force methods and co-opt clerics to assist CID detectives.

'We're aware that some less populated areas have had considerable success by allowing Catholic Priests and C of E Vicars assist in murder enquiries,' said a Met spokesman today.  'Indeed, if my research is correct, the clerics seem to find the important piece of incriminating evidence in most cases, despite zero forensic or investigative training,' he added.

He noted there were no known examples of Imams or Sikh scripture readers assisting the police, then qualified that by adding 'in an investigative role, anyway,' but said the Met were open to considering them. Especially if the BBC were to produce any more hard hitting documentaries like the ones he had seen based in the criminal hotbeds of Kembleford and the inner city rough area called Grantchester.

'You can see how effective the clerics are if you use iPlayer on catch-up, possibly on Dave,' he said. 

Unfortunately the spokesman wasn't available for follow-up interview questions due to disappearing shortly after a meeting in his Chief Superintendents' office.  Two nuns and a recently defrocked priest are helping the Met to get to the bottom of the mystery, and the full investigation is expected to be shown on ITV3 later this year.

Image credit: perchance.org

Farage: not enough racists in our adverts, these days

Leader of Reform UK, Nigel Farage, today attempted to double down on Reform MP Sarah Pochin's comments where she complained about adverts being 'full' of black and Asian people.

"Well, I think she's right", he told reporters, "and it's plain to see that in every advert on British telly, these days. And if that is the case, where are the good old fashioned British racists in these adverts. If we have a mixed heritage family sharing a Domino's pizza in the park, I want to see a middle aged white man sneering at them from a park bench. Or nasty old women shouting at some black children from her front garden because they walked down her street each enjoying a Magnum. It's only fair that all of Britain is represented."

Mr Farage went on to commit Reform UK to add a policy in their manifesto that a racist 'signer' will be in the corner of British TV screens that would automatically 'tut' and roll their eyes every time a Curry sauce advert was aired or a black person was featured in any positive sense whatsoever.

image from grok

GB News to live stream small boat crossings

So-called news channel GB News is to live stream the arrival of asylum seekers at Dover in small boats. This second news channel, provisionally titled The English Channel, will broadcast live 24/7 and will supply highlights to the news channel.

Refugee charities have agreed to allow cameras on their boats, to show the appalling conditions in which asylum seekers cross. 'It was a difficult call,' said the charities' spokesman. 'We know that Reform has a different agenda, but we liked the irony of using their money to help the asylum seekers.'

GB News is excited by its new channel. 'Our viewers will be able to get angry whenever they want. Round the clock coverage of small boats arriving will be like manna from heaven. This should see off Fox News and the other weirdo channels.'

Border Force are less pleased. 'Our staff will be on telly, doing their jobs, but without an artists contract. No make up. No intimacy coordinator. No chow truck. No pay. Worst of all - not even a sniff at an Equity card.

To add insult to injury, another TV company plans to film a documentary about the live streaming. 'It'll be mayhem,' said our source. 'We are considering making our own documentary about them, to set the record straight and counterbalance any less than impartial journalism.'

'Then we can get ourselves Equity cards and ensure that we get a fair share of broadcast fees. And we're planning to have a TV tie in book out for Christmas too.

'Ker-ching!'

image from google gemini