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After his disappointing exit from Wimbledon, sports journalists across the country are feverishly checking Jack Draper's genealogical records in an attempt to find any of his antecedents who weren't English.


Max Slyme from the Daily Mail said: 'We perked up when we found Jack had a great great great uncle Hamish on his father's side. We'd already come up with our headline - Dour Scot crashes out in third round - only to find out this Hamish was born in Thames Ditton.


'But you have to admit, it looks suspicious and has given us hope. We'll keep digging even if we have to go back to the Stone Age. There's got to have been someone born north of Hadrian's Wall in Draper's family tree. There must be.'



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Occasional tennis player Colin Sawdust of Oswestry was surprised to turn on the BBC’s coverage of Wimbledon and see himself described as the British no 7.


”I played a couple of weeks ago, just to help out a friend whose usual opponent couldn’t make it,” he explained. “Before that, I can’t remember the last time I played. But apparently just winning that match, against an out of shape accountant in his 50s, has made me the British no 7.”


When Sawdust tentatively phoned the All-England Lawn Tennis Association, to ask if this meant he was expected to turn up at Wimbledon, they laughed and said that while he might be no 7 in Britain, he’s not in the top 500,000 worldwide, so he shouldn’t worry.


”Unless of course Cameron Norrie puts his back out again, in which case we’ll give you a call.”







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The newly set-up British Tennis Academy published its syllabus today, revealing that in addition to the usual tennis skills and fitness training, it will teach a module on “choking”.


'Choking is obviously a crucial part of the British game,' said Head Coach Mark St-Spencers. 'But people imagine it somehow comes naturally and doesn’t require my work. This couldn’t be further from the truth.


“Granted serving a series of double faults is easy enough in itself, but what takes years to learn is exactly when to do it. Do it too early, and you never build up that doomed anticipation and forlorn hope that maybe, just maybe, a British player might win. You become just another Brit who crashed out during the first week of whichever tournament.


“But leave it too late, of course, and you might actually win. Which would be… well, to be honest I’m not sure what that would be like. But certainly not in the British tradition of gallant failure.”


When reminded of Andy Murray’s success at Wimbledon and elsewhere, St-Spencers said: 'Yes, I thought you might bring him up. And yes, no doubt he was very good in his way, though I for one am glad I no longer have to pretend that I accept Scots as "one of us".'


'I was worried his young brother Jamie might go on to be successful too, but he seems to be a busted flush, thank God.'


Photo by Moises Alex on Unsplash

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