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Thanks to the government-induced fuel shortage crisis, the ‘Tesla Tosser’ has overtaken the ‘White Van Thug’ and the ‘Audi Moron’ to become the most hated road user in the country.


Stories have been circulating in the press about Tesla drivers openly mocking people stranded in 15-hour queues for petrol or driving past in reverse, giving them the finger.


A sobbing Audi driver in Basildon who wished to remain anonymous said, ‘there was one bloke in front of me who’d queued for five hours in his Tesla. Then when it was his turn, he gets out his car, said he just remembered he don’t need petrol, creased up with laughter and drove off. Me and my mate were so shocked we had to stop fighting with a couple of electricians from Romford, and now I’m suffering from utter prick complex.’


A motoring organisation spokesperson Mark Kelly agreed: ‘They are utter pricks. Many of them have been pretending to run out of petrol and calling us up. As soon as we get to them, they say, ‘oh how silly of me, I quite forgot I don’t need petrol,’ and drive off. We caught one of them programming his car to play the Benny Hill theme when he pressed his horn. I hate them.’


‘We’ve all got our fingers crossed at the that the French carry out their threat and pull the plug on electricity supplies over the festive period.’


First published 6 Oct 2021


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Following discussions about Tesla's user friendliness, and demands for that sleek look, a tragedy has been averted as a small child has been discovered in the wheel arch of a family's brand new car. The parents tried to explain the mishap.


'It all started with the door handles,' explained dad. 'We were going for a drive, but no door handles were to be seen. As a family, we split into groups to try and find a way to get in the car. In the end, we found one door handle under the bonnet, which we were excited about, but it wouldn't open the door anyway. Apparently Tesla have said that some sort of planetary alignment is necessary to produce the necessary energy to get a result. Some mention of crystals, too.'


Mum continued. `Once we got in, using a claw hammer, we realised we couldn't locate the steering wheel but eventually it was found in the back section of the glove department. I must admit it does make steering awkward at times. Most serious of all, we realised our youngest child was an apparently a casualty of this voyage of discovery, but after a protracted search involving sniffer dogs, the coastguard, several police forces as well as local volunteers, she was located just below the wheel arch in what Tesla describe as the passenger seat. As she didn't seem to mind too much, we thought we could leave her there as long as she keeps her elbows in and doesn't spoil the look.'




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Sociologists are concerned that human relationships may soon become obsolete after Elon Musk decided to ditch Tesla cars as a significant source of innovative entrepreneurial ambition; and concentrate his attention on developing AI sex dolls.


Unveiling Aphrodite X1 at the Las Vegas Pseudo-Onanist Convention, he promised his new, ultra-realistic AI sex doll would fulfil every man’s fantasy partner; and can be programmed to engage in every perversion mentioned on the Interweb, even those that Putin has footage of Donald Trump getting up to.


In an interview with Newsbiscuit, he told us that Aphrodite X1 was just the start of what was possible; and like the Tesla model 3, was designed to give plebs ambitions to own one of the more expensive models.


When asked if he had plans to extend his range to sex dolls that women would want, he said “Certainly, but our AI is taking a lot longer to find out what that is. I’ve told the boffins to get the AI to read more of Andrew Tate’s comments, to see if we can speed things up.”


Our interview ended with an expectation that before he launches the ‘For women’ AI sex toy, he will bring out the ‘Capitalist Bastard Dream Doll’ an underage, AI sex doll, which can be leased for a night, then be refurbished with a brand new hymen.




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