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US President Donald Trump has bought the world-famous Abbey Road zebra crossing and plans to install it just outside the new White House ballroom when that is completed in the New Year.


He told reporters: “I’m a big fan of the Beatles, big fan. I know all their hits. ‘Goodbye Yellow Brick Road’, ‘Rocket Man’, ‘The Macarena’. So when I heard that – what do they call them? – the ‘drab four’ had been photographed on this crossing for a movie and stuff, I said to my people ‘we have to have this’.”


A backing singer for Westminster council which owns the crossing, said: “We receive offers for the site all the time. I can confirm that we have received an offer from an individual in Washington DC which we have accepted. Like every council, we have to balance our books, and this offer is very generous.”


President Trump does not realize that the site has been repainted many times since the original 1969 iconic photo was taken. It is understood that he is now turning his attention to Hollywood’s Walk of Fame. “The President likes to stick his fingers into most things,” a spokesperson said. “The President’s handprint will now be added to the top of the Walk, ahead of the whole thing being moved to the White House lawn.”


image by Grok


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‘If everyone smells the same, then nobody can point the finger at the President. That’s why I’m willing to soil my underpants at work if it means distracting olfactory attention away from POTUS odour,’ said one White House Official who preferred not to be named. ‘ It doesn’t matter if the Oval office smells like shit if it helps Make America Great Again. A whole bunch of us are doing the same and we regard it as an honour to dispel communist myths that the president is incontinent. Who cares about dry-cleaning bills?’


Another said ‘despite a change to my diet I still find it hard to move my bowels to order, even when being shouted at by Pete Hegseth.’ She continued: 'I do find I can help matters along by powerfully breaking wind, to direct attention away from Mr Trump's trousers, although noise control can be an issue during his speeches. ‘It’s what you might call an ‘I am Fartacus’ moment.’


It’s understood that the Republican bowel movement movement is taking hold outside the White House, with Republicans around Washington with no access to the President joining in the new fashion, though some say the self-sh*tting is the result of falling Republican poll numbers and the prospect of poor showing in Mid Terms.





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