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Half the lights on the White House Christmas tree are not working due to federal cutbacks affecting electricity supply. But President Trump still insists the tree is visible from outer space.


'We have a tree,' he told reporters, 'And it is a very fine tree, I’m sure you’ll agree. It’s maybe 3,000-feet tall. In fact, I think it’s the tallest tree that has ever been seen, and you know it’s a beautiful thing this tree, it’s really a beautiful thing.'


Staff at the National Parks Service have said the tree is actually a more modest three metres tall, though this hasn’t prevented the familiar balancing issues. Trump’s aides have had to use bricks – easily available thanks to the work going on next door – to raise first one side, then the other. Trump allegedly observed: 'If that doesn't work, we can always get a couple of migrants from Mexico to lie down at the base until it’s level. Or sleepy Joe, he could do with the rest.'


Further federal cuts introduced by Trump have affected the holiday period itself. The traditional "12days of Christmas" has now been slashed to six, and Christmas Day itself is being declared an ordinary working day, although the president will be spending it at his home in Mar-a-Lago in Florida.


However, some things remain the same. The White House has confirmed the president will once again be playing Secret Santa with President Putin of Russia; the Chinese leader Xi Jinping; the Hungarian leader Viktor Orban; Kim Jong Un of North Korea; and the leader of Saudi Arabia, King Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud.


There is an agreed one million-dollar limit for presents and all gifts will be delivered by drone. The drones that were recently sent by Putin to Belgium were a dummy run, though observers say they did much to make the country more interesting.


Meanwhile, the lights that weren’t working have been replaced by candles. Not a good move…


Photo by simon on Unsplash

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"It's the bigliest meeting ever in the history of bigly meetings," boasted Donald Trump on board Hot Air Force One.


"I slashed the rates on all my tariffs on China and, in return, Mr Xi said he might stop refusing to sell us his rare earth metals. But he didn't actually agree to anything on paper because ironing out the details was too boring for me.


"Then he said he might think about helping to end the war in Ukraine by maybe talking to Putin about it some time in the future if he managed not to forget - and that's a great diplomatic victory by me.


"But best of all, Mr Xi definitely signed a contract to buy some sacks of soybeans from a bunch of US farmers with MAGA hats and pick-up trucks.


"In three months' time, we'll be buying them all back in the form of premium-priced soy sauce and tofu.


"I am the the greatest diplomat ever!" bellowed Trump, doing a pratfall down the aeroplane steps, "because I pulled off the greatest soybean deal in history!"


"Who said President Trump is doing international diplomacy on 'easy mode'?" croaked White House spokes-toadie Karoline Leavitt.


"It's really tricky handling all those buttons when you have such tiny little fingers."


image from gemini google

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Disbelief across the globe today as Donald Trump announced plans to have the iconic Statue Of Liberty demolished and replaced by a 500 foot towering effigy of himself in its place.


Speaking in the Oval Office to a claque of handpicked brown-nosing sycophants masquerading as news reporters, Trump broke off from a phone call with Ukraine's President Zelensky to explain.


'Yeah, park the missiles schtick for a few minutes, Vlod, will you? I got a more pressing matter here.'


'Right, listen up guys, my statue is going to be really great. A beautiful thing. People are already saying it's going to be the best and most beautiful statue on the planet. They're saying that. Yes they are. Everyone's saying it. True.


'But my plans won't change anything. And anyway, The Statue of Liberty is a disgrace. An ugly monstrosity of some dame covered in mildew and other crap. It's good riddance.'


When pressed on what the new installation will be called Trump said: 'We're not sure on a name yet. Some are suggesting it should be called "Most Glorious Trump Monument", and if that's what the public vote says then who am I to stand in the way of the people? We'll see soon enough after I get the ballot rigged.'


Preliminary drawings show an imposing likeness of Trump covered from top to bottom in gold leaf. On his head is a red baseball cap crafted from rubies, with the letters MAGA depicted across the front in pure uncut diamonds. 


Replacing the desk phone back on the receiver Trump added, 'Wow, that little guy is so goddamn needy. Tomahawks my ass. Now, where was I? Oh yeah, I have many great construction plans for America. Next up after my statue we're starting work on filling in the Grand Canyon to build five thousand golf courses each with a 7-star hotel. It's gonna be the golfing capital of the world. FACT.'


image from grok

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