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Trump: Duh! Of course my birthday celebrations were vulgar


"They called the UFC bout at the White House a tacky, shameful desecration of an historic site," said a spokes-savage for President Trump.


"The President's saying: Duh! Of course it was. Why are you not getting this? For eight decades, New York's top rank branded Mr Trump a small-fingered vulgarian with the speaking voice of a sewage worker and the interior decor tastes of a brothel owner. The only fellow billionaire who was ever happy to be seen with him was Jeffrey Epstein.


"Now that Trump's president, he can flaunt all his no-class, plebian crassness right there at the very centre of American power knowing there's not a damned thing New York's smart set can do about it, apart from tut.


At press time, President Trump was launching a fundraiser to turn the Lincoln Bedroom into a massage parlour offering happy endings and the Resolute Desk into a hotdog stand.




Fears grow over Trump's mental stability following latest extraordinary claim



Fears are growing over the mental state of Donald Trump following an extraordinary claim he made earlier.


During a nationwide address, and as another claque of his boot-licking sycophants looked on in stunned silence, Trump claimed he created the Universe.


Speaking from the Oval Office he said: 'You know the Universe is my baby. Yes it is. I was just sitting there in my void of nothingness one day when I got the idea. And what a great idea it turned out to be, too. One of the very best. People all tell me that.


'Without my omnipotence none of this would exist,' enthused Mr Trump as he waved his arms around to indicate all of creation while simultaneously attempting to waft away a mysterious, noxious odour filling the room.


'Yes that's right folks. This White House, Earth, The Cosmos, McDonald's? There'd be none of it If it weren't for me. FACT.'


'I was sent unto mankind to teach him a lesson. He was getting too big for his boots and needed slapping down. Needed to know his place and I have shown him that place. Back row of the cheap seats.'


It is understood worried officials have finally begun a process to remove Trump from office on grounds of mental instability, but upon hearing of the plan he said: 'Oh yeah? Just let 'em try. For verily shall I smite them down from on high if they even think about it.


'And as we sit here waiting for America to be officially declared great again by order of the Supreme Court... do any of you fake news bozos want to buy into my fantastic and beautifully wonderful Trump Crypto Dollars scheme?' 

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