After Brexit referendum and 3 changes of leader latest vote of no confidence "sure" to unite party

Boris Johnson has issued a statement that after the result of the vote of no confidence, the Conservative Party will "definitely" draw a line in the sand and unite.

"I'm completely confident that this time the party will unite", said a shaking Boris Johnson, "Yes, the referendum caused slight differences of opinion to emerge. And the immediate resignation of the prime minister straight afterwards and months of clueless dithering may have led a tiny amount of instability. Yes, I have to hold my hands up to a tiny amount of plotting against Theresa May, but if I didn't do that, I wouldn't be prime-minister now - so that's a positive. However, now that over half the party has back me, we can put divisions behind us."

Jeremy Hunt has strongly disagreed.

Image from pixabay

Alf Garnett too late to stop Brexit

Frustratingly the BBC's re-boot of 'Till Death Us Do Part' has missed its chance to spread a message of brotherly love to wavering Referendum voters. Alf's sage commentary on multi-culturalism and the need for an integrated Europe, could so easily have tipped the balance in favour of the 'bloody foreigners'.

Explained one critic: 'Its nonsense to suggest that this is the sitcom equivalent of an UKIP poster. Clearly a it's clever play within a play. At a time when the UK is seeing a spike in hate crimes, it makes perfect sense to return to ambiguous comic xenophobia'. Said one smug BBC executive: 'The wonderful thing about Alf is he could be enjoyed by everyone - liberals could see him as an 'ironic' racist figure, while the rest of us could just take him on face value'.

Later this year the BBC plans to re-shooting several missing black and white episodes - although so far they have found only the white ones. Sadly David Cameron must now be kicking himself that he did not have Alf Garnett by his side to make the case for Europe. Although Theresa May has said it is not too late for a 70's bigot to join her Cabinet, but she may have been referencing Liam Fox.

The Maytles to play goodbye concert on roof of Downing Street

Press Officers have announced that, prior to visiting the Queen on Wednesday to hand over the Great Seal of Office, Theresa May will take to the roof of Downing Street for one final performance of her greatest hits.

With Philip Hammond on Hammond organ, Alan 'Slow Hand' Duncan on lead Guitar, Charlie 'The Lips' Elphicke on the mouth organ and May on vocals (cough sweets at hand), the Fab Four (going under the band name of The Maytles or The Burning Injustices) will belt out a running order to remember their time in office. The song list goes as follows:

Get Back (To Where You Came From on Your Student Visa) Hey Jew (Don't be Afraid of Being Deselected) Here Comes the Grenfell Tower Enquiry While my Civil Service Gently Weeps Happiness is a Warm Safe Conservative seat in Kent Roll Over Brexit Withdrawal Date Eight Days a Week (Will be the new Holiday Entitlement if Corbyn Gets in) Take Good Care of My Baby Until my Universal Credit Payments are Sorted out When I'm Sixty Four (I Will Still be on a Zero-Hours Contract You've Got to Hide Your Husband's Connection to Off-Shore Funds Away All You Need is Strong and Stable Not a Third Time We Can Work it Out (But Not to the Satisfaction of the ERG) Can't Buy Me a Majority The Wrong and Whining Toad With a Little Help from My Friends in the Brexit Party Baby You're a Rich Man (Assuming Your Father Was) The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill Cash You Always Give Me Your Money Norwegian Model (This Bird Has Flown) I Want to Hold Your Assets Sanctioning the Benefits of Mr Kite Dear Fiscal Prudence Draft Agreement Writer She's Leaving (And About Bloody Time Too)

The final concert will also be filmed for posterity by BBC Panorama. Downing Street have warned spectators below to be careful of neck pain when they are looking up at the concert from ground level or when looking up at the size of Boris Johnson's ego when he enters Downing Street the day after. Hat tips: Ugi, Oxbridge, Chipchase

Image: Alexandre Popof/Unsplash