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Williamson flushes Sunak's head down toilet




As fresh rumours of Gavin Williamson's bullying swirl, he has resigned from the cabinet to devote more time to flushing Lil Rishi Sunak's head down a Downing Street toilet and stealing his lunch money.


As Chief Whip, Williamson used to keep a pet tarantula on his desk in an unsuccessful attempt to appear interesting.


He still appears to have the energy of a manager on an away day, desperate to build the best bridge out of toilet rolls and genuinely furious when he doesn't. Later, in the bar, that manager would make an awkward sexual advance to a junior female staff member, resulting in a letter in his file and his sleeping in the spare room for several months.



UK’s best public toilets announced




The Public Institute for Sanitary Services (PISS) has published a list of the best public toilets in the UK. We asked them what a public convenience needs to do to make it on to this highly prestigious list:


'Well, for a start, the toilet has to exist. There are hardly any public loos around these days, as most of them have been demolished or converted into a Timpsons. And Timpsons get annoyed if you go in there and start having a crap, apparently. So just by existing, a public toilet makes it on to our list.


'Then we look at what amenities are available, such as baby changing facilities, decent hand dryers, working taps, flushing toilets, and the availability of soap and toilet paper. A public bog that can boast even one of those gets a thumbs up.


'Next, we assess the smell - can you go in there without needing to wear breathing apparatus? If you can walk in without your eyes burning or wanting to vomit, then that’s a winner.


'Then we look at cleanliness. Is there human excreta on the floor and walls? If the urine level on the floor is no more than an inch deep, and the walls are no more than 50% covered in caca, that gets a tick from us.


'Another thing we look for is whether the place being used as a drug dealer’s headquarters? If it is, then it’s probably best not to hang around. You don’t want to get caught up in a police raid right in the middle of a tricky shit.'


When asked what advice they would give to anyone who is looking for a public toilet to use, the PISS spokesperson said, 'You’ve got more chance of bumping into Shergar being ridden by Lord Lucan with next week’s lottery numbers tattooed across his arse than you have of finding a public dumphouse when you need one. So we advise anyone planning to leave the house to avoid food and drink for at least 48 hours beforehand, just to be on the safe side.'

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