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Tony Blair to save Palestine...for dessert

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The Grim Reaper in chinos has decided to be a c$☆% again, but proposing a solution for the Palestinians. How final it is, is yet to be seen, but he promised to toast a ceasefire with some fava beans and a nice chianti.


The Tony Blair Institute (TBI) has already suggested cleansing Gaza, and Tony was very keen to finish what he started. He boasted, Oasis were not the only ones revisiting their 90s war crimes.


Dubbed the Harold Shipman of Peace, he hoped to return to the scene of his war crimes. Blair warned that Palestinians were 45 minutes away from launching stones at the UK, but 600 hours from their next lunch. Meanwhile the TBI would create a road map to peace - just don't look to see who is buried underneath it.



'Thiiiings.... can only get wooorse' - Starmer requests D:Ream re-write



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Merchant of gloom and man voted most likely to be mistaken for his own waxwork, Keir Starmer has requested that D:Ream's upbeat anthem, adopted by New Labour in 1997, have its lyrics tweaked to reflect the fiscal reality of 2024. 


Labour intern Jodie Johnston said 'The Tories lied so much that Labour are implementing Tory austerity policies in order to un-fuck the budget. That's instead of the Tories implementing Tory austerity policies, in order to fuck poor people. I'm so glad Labour won the election.' 


'Anyway, Keir is very sad about it, which is a human emotion, because he is definitely a human. He was talking a lot about the Tannhauser Gate and tears in the rain, but I'm sure that's nothing to worry about.' 

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