Studios in bidding war for movie rights to Starmer's ‘essay’

Leaked copies of Sir Keir’s conference speech have ignited interest in Hollywood, with producers desperate to tell the powerful story of one man's struggle against popularity, trapped inside Tony Blair’s an$s. The tag line is - 'They asked for policies. He gave them Brylcreem'.

Titled ‘The road ahead – asleep at the wheel’, the essay is taken from a conversation Keir had with his SUV’s satnav. The sweeping narrative of one man going round in circles because he only turns right. One man, one vision, one man, 000.1% of one vote.

His agent confirmed that Keir is set to be played anyone, as long as they are not called Keith. There were concerns that Starmer had plagiarised David Cameron's manifesto but transpires Cameron had copied his from a fortune cookie. Already a sequel is planned, with the working title 'Starmer: My life in the House of Lords'.

Were you mis-sold a PFI or WMD by Tony Blair? You may be due some compensation

People of Afghanistan, you may be able to claim a cash settlement of up to £7.23, if you or a loved one were accidental killed in attempt to boost Tony Blair’s ego. If you were told that your country had WMD or Osama Bin Laden hiding in your attic, you may have been the victim of an elaborate fraud.

Were you offered infrastructure projects at vastly inflated prices, that never materialized? Does that sound familiar? Sadly, it was too late for the citizens of the UK, who already handed over £300bn, with the vague promise that Alastair Campbell would tarmac their drive.

Leading a notorious group of conmen, Blair tricked voters into three election victories, but by 2001 he was aiming for something bigger – a lap dance with George Bush. Be warned, Blair is still at large today, often using the fake ID of ‘Peace Envoy’. People of Afghanistan, if you think you may have been duped by him – join the queue.