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Tories concede they have run out of things to break



After 14 years of Conservative government and with the country in the midst of recession and a confected race war, a Downing Street spokesman today conceded that they had simply run out of things to break:


‘Since 2010, the Conservative Party have been working tirelessly to take Broken Britain – and break it some more. The public expect nothing less of us. From needless austerity, to the idiocy of Brexit, to vandalising the NHS and wrecking the rail network, we are proud of our many achievements. But now, quite simply, we are getting to the point where we have nothing left to break or maliciously destroy - and need the public’s help.’


The Government went on to outline plans for a new Cabinet role - the Minister for National Ruination Opportunities - with a portfolio focussed on new and imaginative ways to destroy the social and economic fabric of the country. The new Minister - widely anticipated to be Jacob Rees-Mogg - has been tasked with seeking public help with original ideas for accelerating national decline.


Current suggestions are rumoured to include letting all prisoners out to roam the streets, banning any phone calls between Britain and overseas and selling Buckingham Palace to the Americans. The Government are expected to discuss the very dumbest ideas in their forthcoming Spring Budget.




Only 20 Prime Ministers until polling day


The government has set a cap on how many more Prime Ministers it will allow to run the country before the next General Election.  'Twenty, tops,' stated a government spokesman, adding, 'and only that many if we can stop the lunatics having a vote.'  It isn't clear which lunatics he was talking about, but the consensus is that any attempt to eliminate lunatics must be a good thing.  Therefore, any attempt to eliminate any of the current Tory MPs automatically eliminates some lunatics.



'Now that Hunt has found £20 billion of headroom, there must be an opportunity to bring back Truss, she'll blow it in no time' suggested one MP, while another suggested that Boris coming back 'for a day or so' could see that headroom safely allocated to a chum on the VIP lane.  Other MPs think that there should be opportunities for previously untried Prime Ministers.  30P Lee Anderson thinks he'd make a great PM, as long as Labour promise not to sniggle, while Priti Patel thinks a smirking PM could be a real asset.  Most of the potential PMs are thought to be MPs at greatest risk of losing their seats - the pension of £125k per annum index linked for life each is thought to be a significant motivator.



'We'll probably have a leadership challenge next week, and the week after,' the spokesman said.  'It won't serve any practical purposes, but at least the country won't be watching the rest of us syphon wealth away while the spectacles continue.'


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