- bigbadbob
- Feb 17, 2024
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The government has set a cap on how many more Prime Ministers it will allow to run the country before the next General Election. 'Twenty, tops,' stated a government spokesman, adding, 'and only that many if we can stop the lunatics having a vote.' It isn't clear which lunatics he was talking about, but the consensus is that any attempt to eliminate lunatics must be a good thing. Therefore, any attempt to eliminate any of the current Tory MPs automatically eliminates some lunatics.
'Now that Hunt has found £20 billion of headroom, there must be an opportunity to bring back Truss, she'll blow it in no time' suggested one MP, while another suggested that Boris coming back 'for a day or so' could see that headroom safely allocated to a chum on the VIP lane. Other MPs think that there should be opportunities for previously untried Prime Ministers. 30P Lee Anderson thinks he'd make a great PM, as long as Labour promise not to sniggle, while Priti Patel thinks a smirking PM could be a real asset. Most of the potential PMs are thought to be MPs at greatest risk of losing their seats - the pension of £125k per annum index linked for life each is thought to be a significant motivator.
'We'll probably have a leadership challenge next week, and the week after,' the spokesman said. 'It won't serve any practical purposes, but at least the country won't be watching the rest of us syphon wealth away while the spectacles continue.'
The Conservative government, just possibly with this year’s general election in mind, has announced the end of the “geographical constituencies” that have formed the basis of British elections for the last 350 years.
“There’s really no logic to lumping people together just because they live in the same place,” said the head of the constitutional working group, Mr G Mander. “It makes more sense to look at how people have voted in the past, and group them on that basis.”
Asked how this would work, Mander said that groups of people who vote Tory would be called things like “Buckinghamshire, Oxfordshire and Berkshire - just as they are at the moment.
”And of course, there’d be Labour constituencies too. Well, a Labour constituency anyway. We’d call it something like ‘Ghastlyplebshire’, and it would be made up of benefit scroungers… sorry, Labour voters wherever they happen to live.
“And let’s be honest, we Tories wouldn’t have a hope in hell of winning it. No siree. Shame, but we’ll just have to make that sacrifice for the greater good.”
Asked whether this wasn’t just a way to maintain power by putting all the Labour votes in a single constituency, so Labour only ever has one MP, Mander replied “That’s an extremely serious allegation, and deserves to referred to the Electoral Commission. Just give us a couple of weeks to appoint someone we like to run it.”
image from pixabay
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