Nadhim Zahawi stubs toe, blames Putin

Getting out of bed, Conservative Party Chairman Nadhim Zahawi stubbed his toe and immediately blamed Trade Unions for supporting Vladimir Putin. Zahawi also dropped his toast butter side down and complained that this was unfair, blaming Trade Unions for supporting Vladimir Putin.

Later that morning Zahawi narrowly missed his bus and swearily blamed Trade Unions for supporting Vladimir Putin. Zahawi ordered a coffee, but the barista got his order wrong and Zahawi glumly blamed Trade Unions for supporting Vladimir Putin.

When asked if nurses should be paid properly, Zahawi meant to say "Nurses are hugely qualified people, doing a vital, highly skilled, difficult and stressful job heroically during a major pandemic and cost of living crisis. We need more of them and they should be paid commensurately."

Instead, Zahawi suggested nurses join a VIP Lane for Tory backhanders. Then he blamed Trade Unions for supporting Vladimir Putin.

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Tories keen to see Mick Lynch under a tree at Christmas

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Boris bids for power again with exciting new Scofflaw Party

In a dramatic bid to relaunch his political career, former prime minister Boris Johnson has put himself at the head of a new political party, the Scofflaws, with Jacob Rees-Mogg as his deputy.

“We’re the politicians you’ll never be disappointed in,” said Johnson, addressing a convention of used car salesmen in Dagenham on the first leg of a national tour.

“That's because you already know what we’re like – a bunch of shameless, feckless, deceitful chancers who don't give a damn about the laws which constrain the common herd, like you load of proles down there."

“The Scofflaw Party is open to everyone who shares our lack of values,” added Jacob Rees-Mogg, sneering down at the sweaty and drunken herd of commoners as they roared their support.

“I call out to Britain's most twisted and anti-social elements - its hedge fund managers, public relations officers, heroin dealers and backbench MPs - if you are lazy, venal, grasping, socially useless and sexually deviant, and if you have no aptitude or ability whatsoever but know how to twist the system to your own sick advantage, the doors of our party will always be open to you.

“Although naturally, Old Etonians will be let in first.”

“My people!” said Johnson, stepping back onto the dais and leering in a sickening way at a petite blonde waitress, “I pledge to you today that the government I will lead will charm the birds from the trees and the knickers off a nun and conduct itself with all the moral integrity of a sewer rat on heat.

“I will form a ministry of all the talentless, to build on the monumental non-achievements of the previous government I led: making laws and breaking them, handing out government contracts to our girlfriends and their relatives, and sleeping with other men's wives.

“I tell you, my people: these are sensible policies for an even more miserable Britain!”

Photo by Alex Motoc on Unsplash