Granny Farming keeps Tories in power

The practice of Granny Farming has kept the Conservatives in power for 12 years. A Party strategist explained how it all works, making a strategic mistake in doing so by giving away how the Tories keep winning.

'What we do is go to care homes and identify the most vulnerable people. We thoughtfully assist them by making sure that they are registered to vote. Then, come election time, we provide them with a helpful service, whereby their postal vote is cast on a form which is pre-filled out in favour of the local Conservative MP.

'It's all completely legal and above board, and quite frankly demonstrates how much we care about the elderly community. Even though they are unable to process anything as complex as political thinking, it's obvious that they would want to vote Conservative, so we just make the whole process as easy as possible for them.

'There are over 4 million adults in the UK who struggle with remembering things, so a large number of them have no recollection of who they've voted for which is just as well. Quite frankly, if they ever did remember, then having to live with their crushing guilt would most likely kill them. And we certainly wouldn't want that, or would we? I mean, they're quite a drain on the public purse, and let's face it, unlikely to be around in five years time.'

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Destitute Red Wall Tory voter delighted by Kwarteng’s budget

Sitting in his empty living room as bailiffs take the last of his furniture to their van, Red Wall voter, Alan Barnes, who voted Tory first time at the last election after previously having always supported Labour, is ecstatic with the mini-budget.

'OK, cards on the table, I was a Boris man through and through. His integrity and honesty really won me over. But now we’ve got Liz and Kwasi at the helm, things have just got even better. Believe me, that 63p a month gift sure is going to go along way. It’s what levelling up is all about.'

When asked if he bore any malice towards the government after many political commentators suggested the budget appears to favour the much better off in society, Mr Barnes said, 'Are you kidding me? With all these great times to look forward to just ahead, once the created wealth trickles down to the penniless like me, it will signal the beginning of a new dawn of fantastic opportunity.'

;Anyway, I haven’t got time to stand around and talk. Must get myself down the food bank before its stripped bare. Err... don't suppose you’d have a spare fiver I could borrow?'

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‘Desperate’ Limbo Contest sees Sunak and Truss Sinking to the Inevitable

Having sullied the seemingly unending summer with increasingly frantic promises to lower taxes, inflation, immigration, hopes, integrity and class, the Conservative leadership contenders have only one thing left to lower: their focus-grouped, aide-fluffed physical selves.

Giving the final two weeks of the contest a carnival air, ‘Leadership Limbo’ sees the rivals battling it out to wriggle under a hastily appropriated broom handle on Great Yarmouth beach, desultorily lowered by two slightly menacing ‘Kiddyland’ employees.

Setting a trademark low bar, Truss’s smirk of triumph at her awkward squirm was slightly compromised by the urgent need to spit out three nitrous oxide canisters and what aides quickly dismissed as ‘probably not a used condom’.

Sunak’s commitment to sinking even lower saw him forced to tearfully drag his coiffure through an impressive pile of beach donkey manure. This lost the former Mr Byrite Southampton 1996-8 all-important poise points, but garnered grudging applause from the excited crowd of confused pensioners and waterlogged migrants.

With all to play for, upcoming rounds can be seen on Sky channel Loss of Dignity 374 every night, alongside political let’s-party summer roadshow programming including Brexit Bonanza Bingo, Hook a Duckhouse, Shooting Rogues Gallery, Ghost Train A Few More Nurses, and Coconut Shy About The Actual Numbers.

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