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Rees-Mogg rules out throwing his pith helmet into the ring


Jacob Rees-Mogg has revealed he has no intention of throwing his Victorian pith helmet into the ring, as the number of Tory leadership candidates surges.


The MP for North East Somerset, and Right Honourable member for at least 250 years ago, said it's a lovely old hat and chucking it on the floor would wreck the thing.


"While there have been numerous members suggesting I stand, I feel now is not the right time," said Rees-Mogg, 109, from on top of his penny farthing.


"I've even had Johnny Rotten backing me, Sadly, though, I don't want to ruin my pith helmet; it often accompanies me on family holidays to Prussia, Mesopotamia and the Sudetenland."


Some people have called for stricter rules on standing as leader, saying too many people have thrown their hat into the ring. At the last count, all but one Tory MP had put their name forward.


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First published 10 Jul 2022


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Fears entire Conservative front bench suffering from lockjaw


Following the latest Prime Minister’s La-La-Can’t-Hear-You Time, fears have been expressed that the entire rictus-faced Conservative front bench are suffering from the archaic condition.


‘Tetanus symptoms include a grimly rigid expression and inability to articulate more than a weakly confirmatory “yaaargh”, even at the most rousingly rehearsed rejoinder from their embattled leader,’ confirmed a harassed GP. ‘After weeks of remaining unremittingly stony-faced in the laughable face of increasingly ridiculous party behaviour, its re-emergence across the blue benches felt inevitable. The slightest bit of dished dirt, mud on your face, or grubbing about in the mire can easily result in contracting twat-anus, to give this localised variant its correct name.


‘In extreme cases, as I believe we’re witnessing here, the conditions spreads upwards to a glassy-eyed stare, in which the more poetically inclined of us fancy we can read a desperate plea for the sweet release of death, or walk-towards-the-light visions of smoke-blowingly hagiographic Daily Mail “interviews”.’


Happier to publish their medical records than tax returns or fixed penalty notices, Tory Ministers have attempted to deny their expressions are current frozen more solidly wooden than the lacquered Cabinet table itself, with one clarifying: ‘Ert’s jssst a tmp- tmp- shrrt chnge ’n th winnnnd, yaaargh?’


First published 29 May 2023



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