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- Sully
- Jan 22, 2023
Government ethics advisers have called for new, tougher targets for parliamentary behaviour.
‘Lying, cheating, awarding billion pound contracts to friends – they’re a good start’, explained a spokesman, ‘but we can do better’.
MPs must have had multiple extra-marital affairs by 2025 and have drowned a kitten (or puppy) in a canal by 2027. The serial killing rules won’t apply until 2030 to give MPs time to undertake training in Forensic Awareness, Body Disposal and Creative Use of Poisons.
‘We’re organising expensive in-service training for all 650 MPs’, said the spokesman. ‘It’s quite a step up from shagging your secretary to drowning a kitten, and then to killing three random strangers, but the current Cabinet is extraordinarily talented. We wouldn’t be surprised if a certain former minister had already jumped the gun – that’s a serial killer’s smirk if ever I saw one’.
Throngsman - Jan 18, 2023
A BBC spokesman has admitted that some news items may have become 'lost'. 'We had them, on a piece of paper on a desk somewhere, but we just can't find them,' he said.
The spokesman said that he recalled something about a conservative peer allegedly siphoning off a shed load of money for procuring inadequate PPE, something else about a VIP lane company run by a conservative donor being paid to procure a shed load of inadequate PPE and then being paid to incinerate it. He also had a recollection that a senior conservative MP who had held and continues to hold senior positions in the government who had denied owing HMRC lots of money last summer and then, after a successful investigation by HMRC, deciding to pay an eye watering amount of unpaid taxes that historically have been accompanied with a jail sentence.
'We do have a lot of news about the weather, so we've filled the front page with news about snow in case nobody noticed; and there's still lots of news about Harry and Meghan. And the unions blackmailing the country. Buggered if I know where the other news went, though,' he said, uploading another photo of a town covered in a dusting of snow.
Image: philriley427 | Pixabay
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