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Tory right torn between destroying economy and making people miserable



The right wing of the Tory party is arguing about the next "big idea" for the country. Jacob Rees-Mogg has proposed raising the retirement age to 97, legalising work for the under 3s and reopening coal mines, "not for the coal, but for the LOLZ".


Lord Frost disagrees with Mogg's idea. "It's been claimed that my last wheeze is costing the country £100bn a year, but I think we can do better than that. If we make retirement age below the school leaving age, then the entire country grinds to a halt in a year and I think we can make that per week. Now, that would be an achievement."


John Redwood has proposed a zero rate income tax combined with a maximum wage "for plebs" of £0 per hour, with a 10% bonus for weekends.

image from pixabay



First published 4 Feb 2023


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The Tory Party rebrands as a leper colony


Following a spate of high-level defections to Reform, a senior Conservative frontbencher has said that desperate times call for desperate measures.


“At this rate, we’ll have no one left. We're not exactly falling apart but everyone hates us, and we’ve become a complete irrelevance in the political landscape.”


He confirmed the bold rebrand from political party to leper colony after external polling showed that 76% of voters were not crossing the road fast enough whenever they saw a Conservative Party member approaching.


“We’ve now issued all backbenchers with bells as a sort of early-warning system, so the electorate has full transparency about where that vile, unexplained smell is coming from and it will speed up the entire crossing the road process."


Nigel Farage welcomed the news, saying it was time the Tories “came clean about being unclean."


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