The Tory Party rebrands as a leper colony

Following a spate of high-level defections to Reform, a senior Conservative frontbencher has said that desperate times call for desperate measures.

“At this rate, we’ll have no one left. We're not exactly falling apart but everyone hates us, and we’ve become a complete irrelevance in the political landscape.”

He confirmed the bold rebrand from political party to leper colony after external polling showed that 76% of voters were not crossing the road fast enough whenever they saw a Conservative Party member approaching.

“We’ve now issued all backbenchers with bells as a sort of early-warning system, so the electorate has full transparency about where that vile, unexplained smell is coming from and it will speed up the entire crossing the road process."

Nigel Farage welcomed the news, saying it was time the Tories “came clean about being unclean."

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