The Tory Party rebrands as a leper colony

Following a spate of high-level defections to Reform, a senior Conservative frontbencher has said that desperate times call for desperate measures.

“At this rate, we’ll have no one left. We're not exactly falling apart but everyone hates us, and we’ve become a complete irrelevance in the political landscape.”

He confirmed the bold rebrand from political party to leper colony after external polling showed that 76% of voters were not crossing the road fast enough whenever they saw a Conservative Party member approaching.

“We’ve now issued all backbenchers with bells as a sort of early-warning system, so the electorate has full transparency about where that vile, unexplained smell is coming from and it will speed up the entire crossing the road process."

Nigel Farage welcomed the news, saying it was time the Tories “came clean about being unclean."

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New branding for Great British Railways to be rolled out gradually

MasterChef gets a thrilling rebrand

The BBC has announced that a new series of MasterChef will go ahead despite the huge controversies surrounding the presenters of the cookery show.

A press release states that "once the current edition ends, the only thing viewers will see in the next season will be forks, knives, the occasional spoon and someone in the background shouting 'That is sensational".

Recipes with potential innuendo, such as aubergine delight, sausage frenzy and coq au anything, have been banned by programme maker Banijay.

Judge John Torode will be replaced by a robot (“no one will notice”, an insider insisted) while an illegitimate son of Donald Trump will step in for Gregg Wallace to do background criticism.

“We think this is the way forward for the hugely popular show,” said a MasterChef spokeswoman.

“Concentrating on cutlery has been a long-held ambition of the show. We’re so glad we can do that now.”