Trump demands that imports arrive on American ships

President Trump has taken exception to the fact that only 178 cargo ships sail under the US flag globally.  This represents a measly 0.57% of global tonnage.

‘Our foreign trade enemies are ripping off America,’ said DT, warming up for a bit of a rant.

‘It’s a disgrace that 8,065 ships sail under the flag of Panama.  It’s a disgrace that the ship that destroyed the bridge in Baltimore was registered in Singapore.  It’s a disgrace that the ship that blocked the Suez Canal was registered in Panama.

‘I’m proud that the Exxon Valdez sailed under the American flag, although losing all that oil was disappointing and wasteful and probably because of sabotage.

‘So, my new policy is that all imports to the US of A must arrive on American flagged ships.  Any that don’t will face additional tariffs of 10%, rising by 1.5% every Tuesday, unless that day is a federal holiday.

‘On reflection, I’m now announcing that the introduction of the tariffs will be delayed for 90 minutes.  And the tariff rates will be halved, no, cancelled, no, doubled, with immediate effect.   Long live America!  Long live me! Hang tough!

Image by OpenClipart-Vectors from Pixabay

US trade deal will require UK to accept horrible American food

The Government is edging closer to a trade deal with the US. The UK has accepted, in principle, that it will have to receive imports of various disgusting American food items.  It has also accepted that many UK citizens will probably ‘snarf them down’ like proper Yanks, with all that means for their health and hospital waiting lists.

One area of heated discussion has been soft drinks.  The US has insisted that the UK accepts a tenfold increase in imports of Dr Pepper, a disgustingly flavoured soft drink with no apparent merits whatsoever. The UK has said that it could accept this if the US, in return, accepts consignments of Irn-Bru and Vimto.   A stand-off over imports of Mountain Dew was resolved once the US team explained that it was spelt with a D, not a J.

Another difficult area has been chocolate.  The US is refusing to accept imports of Cadbury’s chocolate, which is made in Poland by an American company, on the grounds that it ‘tastes disgusting’.  The UK is refusing to accept imports of Hershey’s chocolate for exactly the same reason.  The US team was briefly interested in buying Creme Eggs, until they worked out that they were not an acceptable substitute for (increasingly scarce and expensive) hens eggs.

The US is also keen to send millions of American snack cakes to the UK – Twinkies and the like.   The UK is suspicious of any so-called food item that contains unnaturally white sludge in the middle, which raises concerns that they might have been chlorine washed, or irradiated.  And also any foods consisting entirely of glucose/fructose corn syrup and E numbers.   The UK is considering if exporting Mr Kipling’s exceedingly stodgy cakes to the US would be a suitable countermeasure.

However, all differences are expected to be settled soon, and the UK seems likely to accept whatever horrible food that the US can come up with.  This is because the UK government cannot be seen to influence what people eat, as this will be seen as the nanny state gone mad.  UK citizens have freedom of speech and the freedom to ruin their health with bad food choices.   Why else would we have the NHS?

Image by Clker-Free-Vector-Images from Pixabay

Trump hopeful of signing 'great trade deal' with US

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