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Dave (34) is a salesman. He’s always believed himself to be adept at straddling the boundary between truth and bullsh!t, keeping his claims credible so he can close the sale.


‘I genuinely believed that customers would show me the door if I said something ridiculous’, he told reporters. ‘Like claiming that our double glazing will cure cancer, or generate limitless wealth, or telling a dissatisfied customer that their condensation is caused by immigrants. I just thought people had some common sense. Having seen the rise of Trump and Reform, I feel a bit silly now’.


Dave is one of a growing number of sales professionals (we use the term loosely) who have started to question their very existence. ‘How did we not know this?’, he asked us. ‘I’ve done sales training, I even read a book once – nobody ever told me you can tell literal fairy tales and people will still bite’.


Dave is now undergoing training in post-truth sales techniques. ‘The important thing is to have a hate figure. I’m going with “sash windows are woke” as a starting point. I’ve had some success telling people that sash windows cause pronouns. To be honest, I’m not entirely sure what a pronoun is, but I know they’re bad’.


At this stage it’s unclear whether politics is the new double-glazing or vice versa, but we’re pretty sure we’re all f*cked!


image from pixabay




Unbeknownst to you, you have been secretly recorded for the past few decades and have been heralded as a perfect example of what not to do. Future generations will be able to learn from your mistakes and historians will marvel at your incompetence.


The monitoring first began as a prank, in the hope of catching some slapstick moments, but soon evolved into an existential experience in ennui, that would make Sisyphus look productive. The warning signs were always there, from what you choose to wear to that time you voted for austerity, everything about you is calamitous - including your use of the word woke and how you pronounce scone.


At least now, future selves will be less reliant on software updates, podcast banter and artisanal coffee to improve your life. Perhaps civilization can take a turn for the better by not getting a holiday henna tattoo or wearing crocs with socks. Your sacrifice of dignity and purpose, will save others, or at the very least make a great bloopers reel.


Photo by Carl Tronders on Unsplash

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