Nationalising the railways is a Trolley Problem

The Prime Minister explained: "On one track is a well-funded service, safe and efficient. And on the other track is just $hit. A huge pile of fetid crap."

And if we pull the lever?

"What lever, there is no lever. Like I said, it's just death, greed and delays."

But what about the other track with all the nice stuff?

"Oh, that just runs parallel. It's what France and Germany get, by siphoning off all the profits from your $hit one."

He said he would be suggesting a similar Trolley Problem for the NHS, where one option is for your nan to actually have a trolley to lay on and the other has her on tarmac in the carpark.

"The important thing is for people to realise there is no lever, no option B. There is no ethical dilemma, because there are no ethics."

One voter said he couldn’t wait to pull the lever to vote for a different government. The PM chuckled: "Oh, you think there'll be a lever once I'm finished?"

www.newsbiscuit.com

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/andrewhatton123-3402325/

Get ready to ride on Gordon Bennett Railways!

Dear happy commuters and supersaver ticket holders,

We in the Labour government are thrilled to unveil the exciting new name for Britain's renationalised train company. We'll be calling it Gordon Bennett Railways, because this mild expletive is what you're most likely to be muttering while on board, as in:

'Gordon Bennett, this train's fuller than a can of sardines.'

'Gordon Bennett, we've been waiting in this cutting outside Crewe for a sodding age.'

And: 'Gordon Bennett, the points have failed at Clapham Junction, and I'm going to be 20 minutes late for work again.'

We could have spent some taxpayers' money sorting out the problems at Crewe and Clapham Junction, but we blew it all on hiring an overpriced branding agency to come up with a new livery design for the locomotives.

They'll now be a lurid mess of red, white, blue and hi-viz yellow - flecked with dead leaves, graffiti and rust - which will have you exclaiming on the platform: 'Gordon Bennett, what a sodding eyesore.'

All aboard! Or, all a-bored! Which you will be, after waiting three hours for a train at Carlisle.

Image credit: stablediffusion.com

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