The Greater Manchester Police travel agency

Dear happy holidaymaker,

In a first for British policing, the Greater Manchester force is offering an electrifying start to your holiday.

What would you normally be doing while waiting two hours between check-in and boarding? Drinking a cup of coffee you didn't want at Costa?

Well now, you can arrange your flight through us at Manchester's Lubyanka Airport and experience the thrill of witnessing armed police officers kicking and stamping on the heads of youths while a screeching, bossy boots WPC points a taser at your head and tells you to 'get back!'

You don't get that kind of action at Stansted or Gatwick. Well, not yet.

And Saturday nights are gala nights at Manchester Airport, with special guest Charlotte Dujardin, CBE, whipping holidaymakers repeatedly around the departure hall while shouting: 'These are sh** at hitting hard.'

Booking your holiday flight through Greater Manchester Police will make you extra happy to get the hell out of the UK - to somewhere quite nice like Sweden or Switzerland, where suspects don't get thrown to the ground by armed police and kicked repeatedly until their feet get tired.

Picture credit: Wix AI

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Viewers mystified by rail company ads

TV viewers are mystified by rail company adverts suggesting that train journeys are quick, easy, affordable, and take you to places that you might want to go to. Many rail operators seem keen to blow their hard-earned subsidies on TV ads – but why?

Marketing experts are also puzzled. In their view advertising cannot cover up for a bad service. Customers know that, in reality, the rail service is very variable, because of strikes, bad weather, cancellations, underinvestment, overcrowding, illness, weird pricing, government interference and engineering problems. They are also aware that travelling on busy trains is like attending a catch-covid festival.

A number of theories to explain the TV ads have been put forward. The first theory is that the rail companies are trying to find new customers who haven’t used the train before. Interesting theory. Those people are in for a shock.

The second theory is that people are stupid. If you tell them to go by train, they go by train. Even in the sophisticated twenty first century, with its TikToks and space shots and ultra processed food, people will still buy something if they see an ad.

The third theory is that the ads validate rail journeys by existing customers. People who already travel by train can now pretend that their usual service is just an aberration and that one day the trains will run just like in the adverts. Fools.

Other more eccentric theories are: that that TV companies can’t sell adverts on TV and are basically giving them away; the adverts are just an ego trip for rail company bosses; and that the government requires rail companies to advertise in the desperate hope of reducing the subsidies they need.

What’s the answer? Nobody knows. Something to think about next time you’re watching a railway company ad.

image from pixabay