Michael Gove found telling the truth

In a twist nobody expected, former MP, now Lord Michael Gove was found telling the truth.

An interviewer on the BBC was attempting to find out what Gove knew about the fast track PPE contracts, whether the usual checks and balances in procurement had been avoided for any rational reason other than fraud and whether there was any collusion in his department to push contracts to companies without proven skills in PPE which happened to be run by 'chums'.

Lord Gove avoided answering any of these questions, obviously, but when asked if he had visited the House of Lords and he responded he'd voted seventy nine times, which apparently is true.  The interviewer is being treated for shock and is expected to make a full recovery.

https://pixabay.com/photos/truth-newspaper-news-printed-text-166853/

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Dodgy salesman feels stupid now

Dave (34) is a salesman. He’s always believed himself to be adept at straddling the boundary between truth and bullsh!t, keeping his claims credible so he can close the sale.

‘I genuinely believed that customers would show me the door if I said something ridiculous’, he told reporters. ‘Like claiming that our double glazing will cure cancer, or generate limitless wealth, or telling a dissatisfied customer that their condensation is caused by immigrants. I just thought people had some common sense. Having seen the rise of Trump and Reform, I feel a bit silly now’.

Dave is one of a growing number of sales professionals (we use the term loosely) who have started to question their very existence. ‘How did we not know this?’, he asked us. ‘I’ve done sales training, I even read a book once – nobody ever told me you can tell literal fairy tales and people will still bite’.

Dave is now undergoing training in post-truth sales techniques. ‘The important thing is to have a hate figure. I’m going with “sash windows are woke” as a starting point. I’ve had some success telling people that sash windows cause pronouns. To be honest, I’m not entirely sure what a pronoun is, but I know they’re bad’.

At this stage it’s unclear whether politics is the new double-glazing or vice versa, but we’re pretty sure we’re all f*cked!

image from pixabay

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Checking facts is soooo 2024

Hi there, it’s Lyn Floohenzur, your absolute favorite girl is here, for you, telling what is what and how it is, right? Before we get to into the big news, like, the real news, our sponsor today is again the GRU, the number one Russian Military Intelligence Service - hi guys!

As I was like saying to McKinleigh and Jaxton, we all know that there are sooo many diff types of truth out there, and we like have to show total respect to the alternative truths, like, totally yeah? Mikkky G was sayin’ while back that those so called, like, experts are, you know like, we really have had enough of that, you know? Anyway, IronMusk, you know to call him that right, IronMusk, so clever, yeah, well on the X, they have, like, a community of Truth notes that’s like a hive mind of people telling it like it is and it's pretty hot, yeah?

Well Insta is going the same way, like, in a way that's the same, cos like facts are like, biased you know? They all seem to be in your face with the checking and telling you are wrong and like, you don’t own my facts right? Well anyway, don’t forget to subscribe by clicking Alt-right arrow, and smash that like, and see you in 15 seconds!

Picture credit: Wix AI. Probably.