TV first as pathologist gives precise time of death

A pathologist in a TV detective series has, for the first time ever, given an absolutely precise time of death for a victim when asked at the crime scene by a pushy detective, it emerged today. The news come after nearly 10,000 episodes of dramas in which the pathologist, busying himself looking over a body, and obviously irritated by people contaminating his crime scene, has, when asked the question ‘Do we know the time of death yet?’, responded with ‘It’s far too early to tell, I’ll know more back at the lab.’

‘Dead easy this one’, said Richard McBride, a chirpy pathologist, within three minutes of the opening episode of Waking Vera’s Witness on ITV. ‘Checked body temperature, compared to norms for someone this size and age, factored in the outside temperature. Oh and he was watching the football on his phone and when he fell over after being hit on the head by someone, his body must have accidentally pressed a screenshot saying 8.26 p.m. So, time of death was 8.26 p.m.'

When asked about the cause of death, McBride was equally emphatic. ‘Definitely that hammer over there’, he said, triumphantly pointing at the blunt-ended instrument protruding from some undergrowth. ‘Look, there’s a big hammer type wound on his head, and, well, the hammer is right there with some blood on it, so I’m calling it, ok. Anything else you guys need?’

McBride confirmed that no, he didn’t need to run toxicology reports that would take two days to come back and reveal some anomalies, nor did he need to look under fingernails for signs of a fight, or check for any pre-existing conditions that might cause the victim to fall over after being dizzy and cast some doubt on the obvious explanation about 40 minutes into the show.

‘Right, if you pick him up by the legs, I’ll get his arms and we can take him back in your Landrover to save time’, said McBride to the DCI. ‘Pick up that hammer and chuck it in your boot too, will you? I’ve pinged over my report to you already. God, let’s get out of here, I’m going to throw up otherwise. I hate the sight of blood, don’t you?’.

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First published 10 Sep 2021

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Police detectives to be trained to ask supplementary questions

'Far too many police dramas depict detectives going to interview a suspect, asking one specific question, leaving to repeat the activity with several other suspects before returning to the first suspect and asking a supplementary question that must have been obvious the first time around,' said police trainer Brian Filch. 'They must have got the idea from somewhere and we know scriptwriters shadow real police officers for background knowledge, so we suspect this is happening in real life. If it is then the carbon footprint alone must be huge,' he added.

Police on Brian's training courses are also going to be encouraged to not gather all the potential suspects together in a room, or on a beach veranda, and untangle the facts of the case without issuing a caution or allowing legal representation. 'Apart from the legal nightmare of not reading them their rights, the passing around of physical evidence is likely to create massive loopholes in the eventual court case,' he said. 'It's not professional and shouldn't happen,' he added before dismissing journalists.

'One other thing,' he was heard to say as the journalists reached the door.

Image: Pixabay/mohamed_hassan

First published 17 June 2022

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Journalists plead “Can we stop writing about Adolescence now?”

A number of journalists have banded together to ask their editors if they can stop writing articles about hard-hitting TV drama Adolescence.

“Look, it was really good, no question,” said spokesman Dave Hack. “Powerful story, amazing acting (especially the kid), highlighting an important issue, so clever to film each episode all in one take, etc etc. Hats off to them.

“But frankly we’re running out of things to say about it. We’ve done scaremongering about ‘Do you know what your son’s viewing online?’, we’ve had thinkpieces about how to raise boys, we’ve had glossaries of what the various emojis mean, we’ve given endless free publicity to tossers like Andrew Tate… We’ve even concocted a pointless row about whether the producers were cowardly to make the killer white, when the suspect in the Southport murders (which the show wasn’t in any way based on) isn’t.”

“And I’ve written every possible version of ‘Male violence is every man’s fault, because it just is’” added Lucretia Harpy of the Guardian. ”And normally there’s nothing I like better, but there are limits.”

Their editors replied that unfortunately they need to continue producing more Adolescence-related material, at least until another show with similar impact is broadcast. 

“And I don’t just mean the next Breaking Bad or The Wire - it needs to be a campaigning show aiming to right a societal wrong, which we can enthusiastically get behind despite showing no previous interest in the problem and in many cases actively contributing to it.”

Image: Pexels - Pixabay

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