Ironically early Christmas adverts just as annoying as the real thing

Ironic Christmas adverts that call attention to how absurdly early they are airing are just as irritating as the real thing, according to a highly scientific study.

These advertisements, which hit the public’s screens as early as the beginning of October, are shrouded in a thick layer of sarcasm, but in fact provoke the same enraged reaction in the viewer as a sincere ad would.

Encouraging people to get Christmas done early with a wink and a nudge, is no less obnoxious than a supermarket putting up its Christmas tree pre-Halloween, or a small child handing you her present list before the schools go back, scientists report.

“Self-awareness can only go so far,” said one angry couch potato. “Just because the ads themselves point out how early in the year it is, doesn’t mean I can accept hearing Noddy Holder and Bing Crosby before the leaves have turned brown. I’m still holding onto summer!”

Researchers warned that these adverts may contain knowing references to Halloween, bored teenagers rolling eyes at overexcited parents and unseasonal amounts of tinsel. The only known way to avoid the horror is to get off the sofa and venture outside into the mild autumn air.

“If you think this is bad, wait till we reach November,” the report concludes.

Image: Pixabay/bytrangle

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TV first as pathologist gives precise time of death

A pathologist in a TV detective series has, for the first time ever, given an absolutely precise time of death for a victim when asked at the crime scene by a pushy detective, it emerged today. The news come after nearly 10,000 episodes of dramas in which the pathologist, busying himself looking over a body, and obviously irritated by people contaminating his crime scene, has, when asked the question ‘Do we know the time of death yet?’, responded with ‘It’s far too early to tell, I’ll know more back at the lab.’

‘Dead easy this one’, said Richard McBride, a chirpy pathologist, within three minutes of the opening episode of Waking Vera’s Witness on ITV. ‘Checked body temperature, compared to norms for someone this size and age, factored in the outside temperature. Oh and he was watching the football on his phone and when he fell over after being hit on the head by someone, his body must have accidentally pressed a screenshot saying 8.26 p.m. So, time of death was 8.26 p.m.'

When asked about the cause of death, McBride was equally emphatic. ‘Definitely that hammer over there’, he said, triumphantly pointing at the blunt-ended instrument protruding from some undergrowth. ‘Look, there’s a big hammer type wound on his head, and, well, the hammer is right there with some blood on it, so I’m calling it, ok. Anything else you guys need?’

McBride confirmed that no, he didn’t need to run toxicology reports that would take two days to come back and reveal some anomalies, nor did he need to look under fingernails for signs of a fight, or check for any pre-existing conditions that might cause the victim to fall over after being dizzy and cast some doubt on the obvious explanation about 40 minutes into the show.

‘Right, if you pick him up by the legs, I’ll get his arms and we can take him back in your Landrover to save time’, said McBride to the DCI. ‘Pick up that hammer and chuck it in your boot too, will you? I’ve pinged over my report to you already. God, let’s get out of here, I’m going to throw up otherwise. I hate the sight of blood, don’t you?’.

ITV 2 in highbrow archaeology show shock

Media experts have been left reeling today after ITV 2 announced it is to commission and broadcast a new show that will examine famous archaeological sites and what we learnt from them.

A channel spokesman said: ‘We thought we'd try something a little different as an experiment. Some say it’s time to spread our wings and grow up as a broadcaster.’

But twenty something couple Jayden and Shaneece Reece from Tooting aren’t happy at the prospect of watching a programme that's neither a docusoap nor "reality" show on their channel of choice.

‘We like fings like TOWIE and Made in Chelsea, yeah? We don’t know naffink about Egyptian mummies and old Romans ruins, and that,’ said Shaneece. ‘Although if the show’s makers could guarantee lots of tits and bums somehow and maybe introduce a phone-in voting system I’d be up for giving it a go,’ added Jayden.

However ITV 2 has been quick to reassure its core audience the normal torrent of tasteless and tawdry shite will still make up 99.99% of the channels output.

'I can assure our viewers that we are not about to go all arty-farty and highbrow on them. This is something we are trying, just to ring the changes and maybe help keep Ofcom at bay,' said the spokesman.

'In addition to the new archaeology show we have commissioned a new 8-part series in the Autumn called, When Cock Enlargements and Arse Implants Go Wrong, scheduled to hit the screens in the run up to Christmas.'