Snooker game ‘fixed to make it interesting’

Two snooker players were today banned from the game for life after evidence emerged that they had conspired to make their match interesting.

The head of The World Snooker Federation, Barry Lynton, said: 'We have taken disciplinary action against Stephen 'The Bore from Saddlemore' Dee and Stephen 'Less exciting than Sidcup' Mee, after we found overwhelming evidence that they had been paid a considerable amount of money by a mysterious gang, known only as The Audience, to make their recent match interesting.

'We were first made aware of this situation when we had complaints from viewers that they were unable to sleep through a match which was being broadcast at 10.30 pm. Having watched a recording of it, we found our attention rivetted by the clever play, the unusual tactics and the unexpected twists and turns in the match. We therefore have no choice but to ban these played from playing snooker for the rest of their lives.'

A spokesman for the players, Stephen 'The Doze from Montrose' Tee, said: 'Wake me up when it's all over.'

Family actually prefer my armchair Olympic commentaries, says Dad

A man has claimed that his wife and three children actually prefer the expert analysis that he is delivering throughout the Olympics, compared to the official BBC commentaries provided by ex-gold medallists and broadcasters with years of experience.

Pete Mcbride, 47, has been delivering haiku style summaries of every Olympic performer from his Laz-E-Boy recliner since the early hours of Saturday morning, ranging from the gymnastics floor event ('he pulled out of that planche to handstand there') to tae-kwon do ('that's surely got to be a gam-jeon'?.'

'I think the family likes to know what's going on - the official commentators just seem to miss some of key kernels of insight', said McBride, with one eye on the Men's triathlon. 'I see my role as a kind of public information service....oh, that's a sloppy transition from the bike from the Ukrainian there - that's going to cost him'.

'Lots of splash on entry there', continued McBride, making the exact same point for at least the 20th time on the synchronised diving event. 'The difficulty rating was high, but the judges have been panning them on different rotation speeds'.

'By day 5, me and the three kids now know for sure that its a balance between difficulty level and execution in a lot of events, that the third 500 metres in rowing races are key, that the Cubans have a rich pedigree in boxing, and that getting a 10 in the archery is 'definitely top drawer', said a weary Sarah McBride, Pete's wife. 'I don't think we can take any more'.

'The family look to be 'in the red' already in terms of stamina', summarised McBride excitedly. 'They'll need to dig deep if they've any hope of making it through to finals day with me. Otherwise, they'll unfortunately go into the repecharge'

Image: mohamed_hassan/Pixabay

Producers of ‘Middle-age Love Island’ give up and go home

At a no-expense-spared, fully-accessible villa on the sun-kissed Isle of Wight, a TV production crew and twenty contestants on the show 'Middle-Age Love Island' are packing their bags and going home. Executive Producer Martin Jackson explains, ‘The contestants were a nightmare. It was too hot during the day so all they did was sleep, but then it was too hot at night and they were wide awake, moaning about being wide awake.'

'We had to use the bleep button to cover all the involuntary body noises being emitted and conversations were so heavily edited for offence, all that was left to broadcast was a pack of adults tum-ti-tumming, whistling random tunes or making exertion grunts whenever they moved. There was nothing happening sexually, any fumblings under a duvet were usually to find glasses or elbow snorers, that’s not good TV.’

‘Re-couplings involved pairings matched with compatible medications. We did manage to get one new couple on a date and they never spoke. In fact, for two of the days no one spoke at all! When they did it was to boast about the achievements of their progeny, which ended up in tit-for-tat snobbery.’

‘The bickering was good TV at first, but after they divided the villa up between separate groups and began to build fences we said enough is enough. I’m putting this whole sorry episode behind me, I’m sure we’ll have more fun in Thailand with ‘Goth Nihilism Cave’.