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Ebahgumshire Cricket Club banned from hosting Black History Month events

Updated: Jan 10, 2022


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'It's a complete travesty,' said Ebahgumshire's controversial Director of T'Cricket, Maurice Braithwaite. 'T'England and Wales cricket board won't let us have owt to do with anything ethnic minority related. They've suspended us from screening 1970's popular sitcoms during the tea interval and threatened to confiscate all our cricket bats for the start of next t'season. All our sponsors have buggered off apart from Britain First which I'm led to believe is some sort of keep fit chain.'


A spokesperson for the ECB said that it wasn't the kind of behaviour they'd expect from a first-class county. They fully expected Mr Braithwaite to resign even if it was only for putting a 't' in front of everything.


'Resign? They're bloody bonkers. I'm just about the least racist person I know. I'm playing the part of the black maid in the clubs Gone With T'Wind Christmas panto, and the manager of the Ebahgumshire Balti House chain of restaurants never has a problem with me calling him Gandhi.'






Australia solves rising sea level crisis by giving everyone a surfboard

Updated: Nov 20, 2021


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'It's a bonza solution to global warming,' said Australian Prime Minister and digeridoo salesman, Scott Morrison.


If everyone has a surfboard, they don't have to worry about a deluge of water sweeping away their homes. They can ride out the wave to the nearest available patch of hilly ground. What's not too like? I'll even throw in some of my old Kylie CD's if it helps.


There's no way I'm cutting down on coal until at least 2175, despite what I said after seventeen tinnies in the bar at the climate shindig. Here in Australia, we're looking forward to more heat. It just makes lighting up the barbie down by the billabong a whole lot easier. Besides, if all these do-gooders stop us digging up coal, how will we feed our indigenous people?






Man converting shed to beach hut in readiness for rising sea levels

Updated: Jan 9, 2022


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With the threat of rising sea levels and further coastal erosion, the map of the UK could look significantly different in twenty years’ time. A fact that has not escaped the attention of Peterborough resident, Keith Otley who is already taking steps to ensure he doesn’t miss out on the windfall when his home city becomes a seaside resort, despite the fact it is currently some 37 miles from the coast.


“It will happen”, he said confidently, as he painted his garden shed in blue and white stripes. “Forget COP26 and all that nonsense. Promises about as reliable as a Cairngorms snow pile. The sea is coming to Peterborough and I’m putting my beach towels down now.” Mr Otley has already invested in a fat fryer so his wife can perfect battered cod, or whatever plastic substitute will be left in the sea, and bought a donkey for the kiddies.


Asked what would happen if the incoming waters continued on through Peterborough, he pointed to a submarine in his back garden. “Unwanted French job. Got it cheap on Ebay. If this new venture goes under then I guess we’ll have to.”






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