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Australia solves rising sea level crisis by giving everyone a surfboard

Updated: Nov 20, 2021



'It's a bonza solution to global warming,' said Australian Prime Minister and digeridoo salesman, Scott Morrison.


If everyone has a surfboard, they don't have to worry about a deluge of water sweeping away their homes. They can ride out the wave to the nearest available patch of hilly ground. What's not too like? I'll even throw in some of my old Kylie CD's if it helps.


There's no way I'm cutting down on coal until at least 2175, despite what I said after seventeen tinnies in the bar at the climate shindig. Here in Australia, we're looking forward to more heat. It just makes lighting up the barbie down by the billabong a whole lot easier. Besides, if all these do-gooders stop us digging up coal, how will we feed our indigenous people?






Man converting shed to beach hut in readiness for rising sea levels

Updated: Jan 9, 2022



With the threat of rising sea levels and further coastal erosion, the map of the UK could look significantly different in twenty years’ time. A fact that has not escaped the attention of Peterborough resident, Keith Otley who is already taking steps to ensure he doesn’t miss out on the windfall when his home city becomes a seaside resort, despite the fact it is currently some 37 miles from the coast.


“It will happen”, he said confidently, as he painted his garden shed in blue and white stripes. “Forget COP26 and all that nonsense. Promises about as reliable as a Cairngorms snow pile. The sea is coming to Peterborough and I’m putting my beach towels down now.” Mr Otley has already invested in a fat fryer so his wife can perfect battered cod, or whatever plastic substitute will be left in the sea, and bought a donkey for the kiddies.


Asked what would happen if the incoming waters continued on through Peterborough, he pointed to a submarine in his back garden. “Unwanted French job. Got it cheap on Ebay. If this new venture goes under then I guess we’ll have to.”






Mothers’ maiden names to be made more complicated



It is a question asked millions of times a day in call centres the world over. ‘What is your mother’s maiden name?’ All too often it is a piece of information that can allow fraudsters access to all manner of private data.


Studies undertaken by the Institute for Online Security in Reading have revealed that four out of ten people will reveal their father’s name, the name of their first pet and their favourite subject at school within five minutes of meeting a stranger.


Professor Maria Higg1ns42 said that women’s surnames should in future contain at least eight characters, including at least two numbers. But Dr Helen W00psy-diddly-d@ndy! says that may not be enough, and is proposing even greater complexity with the use of shift and alt keys, and possibly even Cyrillic characters.

‘The issue is even more complicated than that,’ argued Jim 12OcelotSandwiches, senior lecturer in security studies at the University_of_12_Peculiar_Secrets.


‘Too many of us will invent funny mother’s maiden names only to blurt them out in social situations to gain an approving laugh. Then we’ll need a new password, and so on. I can see a future in which people will have to prove their identity by producing a sample of an agreed bodily fluid.’



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