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NATO denies fighter jets 'too high-performance to be useful in Ukraine'


A NATO spokesman today denied that NATO's top-gun fighter, the F35, was 'too high performance' to be of any practical use in the 'dirty battlefield' of Ukraine.



He admitted that the state-of-the-art jets require 'cleaned' runways, airspace free of drones and hand-held missiles, and good wifi access in all areas of operation.


He went on to say this would not prevent them dominating the airspace in Ukraine, given a sympathetic social media atmosphere.



"President Zalensky has read the marketing brochures" he explained. "Whilst that might lead him to think the jets would be the solution to many of his problems, it does tend to skim over all the limitations of these planes."


"I'm not saying the ads are bullshit, but they might be painting a rosy picture"


McDonnell-Douglas, manufacturer of the eye-wateringly expensive F-35, was unavailable for comment. But they did promise to launch an airstrike on our HQ, as soon as the political atmosphere improves and they can find a pilot who can fly the blasted things.






First published 13 Feb 2023


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King's speech to feature unprecedented honesty

Panic is rising in Westminster as it has become clear that the forthcoming King's speech will break with tradition and tell it how it is.


The monarch is normally expected to read out a text which has been agreed beforehand by civil servants and the royal staff.


But this year Charles has let it be known that he wants to deliver a more truthful assessment of the state of politics in his Kingdom.


A leaked excerpt from the speech reads:


'I wish to apologise to you, my subjects, that my governments, over the past few years, have fallen short of the standard expected by the British people. You deserve better. The highest positions of power in the country have been occupied by fools, corrupt chancers, narcissists and foreign agents. And those were the sane ones.'


Keir Starmer is reported to be asking for political asylum in China.


And Donald Trump has posted that he wants to Make England Great Again, or 'MEGA'. But not, he emphasised, by regaining its colonies in America. Maybe by invading Ireland, where they mostly speak English, so it would just be like Russia's special military operation in Ukraine.



Image credit: perchance.org

Official Russian death toll in Ukraine rises to three


The Russian defence ministry has dismissed 'outrageous claims' from the Centre for Strategic Studies that the Russian army has lost 1.2 million troops in the special military operation in Ukraine.


A spokesman confirmed, 'Only three Russian soldiers have died, and in each case it was their own fault.  One other soldier has injured his leg after slipping in some mud, in a trap set up by saboteurs.  Beyond that, everything continues to go very well indeed. As you Yankees say, we're having a blast.'



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