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"Prigozhin, you pussy!" news consumer yells to himself



"Is that it, Prigozhin, you pathetic pussy!" a consumer of online news yelled out to no one but himself on Sunday morning, throwing his device into a corner of his bedroom in dejection.


Friends of the online news consumer, who lives in Swindon, say he had been gearing himself up since the small hours of Saturday morning for what he predicted down the pub at lunchtime would be "a perfectly good civil war in Russia".


"He was doing his nut that the motorised column of Wagner mutineers had moved to within 200 kilometres of Moscow, and that the authorities were ripping up the motorway to stop their advance," continued a friend of the news consumer.


"I think it lent excitement to his rather empty, humdrum life.


"He was crushed when he learnt that Prigozhin had made a deal with Putin via the president of Belarus to go into exile, and that the rebel Wagner forces would be returning to Ukraine. He wanted a ruck.


"Now all our news consumer friend has to look forward to in his life is some miraculous breakthrough by Ukrainian forces in the Zaporizhzhia region, and for Trump to go to prison and get shivved by some ultra-violent Democrat voter in the showers."




First published 27 Jun 2023


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Russia complains Ukraine 'isn't playing fair'



The Russian Federation has lodged a formal complaint about Ukraine following a series of 'unforgivable' offensive actions by 'rogue Ukrainians', or 'defenders' as they prefer to be called.

'We are supposed to be the aggressors,' said a Russian spokesman. 'But they attack our tanks, our soldiers and now they fly into Russia and attack us. It's so unfair,' he added.

Ukrainian defence experts have acknowledged that they were billed as defenders and as such, should be incrementally losing ground. 'Soz, didn't get the memo,' said one expert. 'Perhaps Russia is misrepresenting our defence for offence. We can clearly state that we are just defending Ukraine and have no interest in attacking Russian locations,' he said, looking at his watch and hauling a missile onto his shoulder. 'Apart from Moscow,' he added.




First published 4 April 2022


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Football club owner suffered ‘suspected poisoning



The soccer world has been rocked by allegations that Reg Tupper, owner of Isle of Wight Top Tiles Premiership team Athletico Cowes may have been poisoned.


An ashen-faced Reg has briefed the world’s sporting press:-


“We were cock-a-hoop on Saturday after we had done the double over our fiercest rivals Sporting Shanklin. Naturally I took the lads out to a slap-up meal afterwards to celebrate. I treated everyone to the very finest from Dave’s Doners van – with all the trimmings of course. We then went to the Cowes Boutique wine bar where I had my usual 11 pints of ‘Olde Bowel Basher’ cider.


However, most unusually I woke up the following morning feeling a bit queasy – know what I mean? I had to warn the missus to give it 10 minutes before using the toilet.


I can only think that someone must have wanted to do me harm, what with me being one of the top Isle Of Wight business men. Only a far-sighted entrepreneur like me would have had the courage to go into the Pic ‘n Mix business after Woolworths folded.


I’ve got a cast iron stomach when it comes to grub and drink. I can only suspect someone somehow managed to doctor my pork scratchings in the bar.”




First published 30 Mar 2022


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