Ukraine decide to swap Crimea for Moscow - for now

Ukrainian forces are signalling that they are pausing the liberation of Crimea for the time being.  They have decided that it might make winning the three day limited military operation started by Russia two and a half years ago easier if they set up a command base in Moscow.  'The Kremlin looks a good base to work from,' suggested a Ukrainian commander today.

As part of the initiative the Ukrainian army has been taking in hundreds of surrendering Russian soldiers every day.  'It saves bullets and to be fair, they always share theirs too,' said the commander.  A Russian commander was asked to comment, replying 'Slava Ukraini, would you like to hold my rifle?'

Image: Pixabay/Vladvictoria

Invading Russia always works – just ask Napoleon

As Ukraine celebrates a bold strike across the Russian border, there is a slow realisation of 'lads, we may be f$cked'. As the Nazis and the concept of drinking less alcohol will attest, it is impossible to reach Moscow.

Observed one retired General: 'Russia is big. Really big. Think of the biggest distance you've ever walked and multiply it by a gazillion. That's how big Russia is. So if you invade, your troops get stretched out like a joke by James Corden. Your supply line looks like someone trying to hurl a loaf of bread from Belgium to Slough. And all the pesky Russians do is wait for winter to turn you into camouflage Popsicles.'

The incursion has shown Russia to be vulnerable but also not that bothered. Remarked one Russian soldier: 'We've plenty of land left, just think of all the Crimea we pinched last time. And while Ukraine is focused here, we'll be nipping round the back, and invading the Isle of Wight. Simples.'

Image: Wix AI

'It's coming home, it's coming home, it's coming, war is coming home'

Volodymyr Zelensky and Ian Brody from the Lightning Seeds will be teaming up to release a version of the classic English football anthem. The lyrics will be tweaked slightly to suit a brutal Eastern European war zone, rather than the inability of a large wealthy Western European nation to win a major men’s football tournament more than once.

A Ukrainian government spokesman said 'Ukraine counter-invading Russia is what you’d call an unscheduled away leg. Unbelievable Jeff.'

'Baddiel and Skinner first sang about England’s 30 years of hurt 30 years ago. 60 years of hurt is just too bleak an image. Actually, can you think of anything that rhymes with Zaporizhzhia Nuclear Power Plant?'

Image: Filip Andrejevic (@fandrejevic) | Unsplash Photo Community