Putin unveiled as winner of 2024 Russian election

After Russian President Vladimir Putin announced he will stand again for a fifth term in office next year, the Russian media immediately announced Mr Putin as the landslide winner.

'It is a very busy time of the year,' a Russian media agency told us, 'we might as well get this out of the way now. He's won about 80-85% of the vote too. Incredible really.'

The Russian media is overwhelmingly part of Putin Empire so this reporting is also seen as a cost cutting measure.

'There is a special military operation going on, you know", an unnamed official told us, "every rouble counts! We don't want to be spending money on an expensive election campaign when we can give that money to President Pu......errr our brave soldiers in Ukraine.'

End of World warming up nicely, says spokesman for Horsemen of Apocalypse

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That G20 declaration on Ukraine, in full

Ukraine is a country. Russia is a country too. No country should attack defenceless grain without good reason. Oil is fine. Death is bad, from any cause - road accidents, listeria, overdoing it at the tanning salon, leading a full scale military rebellion with your private army then stopping that rebellion then mysteriously dying in an unrelated plane crash two months later, whatever. It's all bad. Nobody likes it. Zelensky is a President. Putin is a President. There is a kind of butter called President. Live long and be happy.

Love to everyone.

Yours, the G20

Image: Taylor Flowe (@taypaigey) | Unsplash Photo Community