Government malpractice leaves pharmacies on brink

A government which should have been struck off several years ago is still being allowed to mistreat pharmacies.

'We are sick and dying,' croaked Olivia Holt, a pharmacist from Dottingham. 'The government continues to misdiagnose us all with War in Ukraine Syndrome, when we've all got Brexititus. We can't get the drugs for the communities we serve, and that's a bitter pill shortage to swallow.

'Many ticker signs outside chemists are not well enough to display the correct time. Others are showing temperatures which are way too high. This means we are in breach of the Green Cross Code. It's no wonder everyone is feeling rundown.

'Some of us are so close to our demise now, that we are seeing those sunlit uplands.'

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/stevepb-282134/

Research concludes Russian elite 'prone to falls from really high buildings'

A report printed in Nature has analysed the likelihood of tripping up and falling out of a high-rise building, a phenomenon generally considered unlikely due to building regulations around the world making accessing the exterior of high rise buildings extremely difficult, as evidenced by Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible episodes 1 - 10.

'We concluded that, in general, a person could trip up in virtually any high-rise building in the world and suffer, at most, a broken nose and some embarrassment, but apparently for a subset of persons of Russian origin, particularly those who had risen to the top of political, scientific or military stature, the probability of tripping, breaching glazing units designed to withstand a tree accelerated at speeds associated with tornados using only their unusually pre-crushed skulls was related to their public and possibly private misgivings about the special military operation in Ukraine.

'Luckily this phenomenon appears to apply only to the Russian elite,' concluded the article author who is survived by his spouse and two children following a tragic fall from a high-rise building alongside his Nature editor.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/mabelamber-1377835/

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97% of Russian army in Ukraine - hmm, what's NATO got on this weekend?

NATO officials state that there's 'nothing to see here' as they decide to play war games on the Russian border. 'We play war games all the time - in the US, on Salisbury Plain, in South Germany; so we just felt it would be fun to amass about a thousand spare tanks on the Russian border about five hundred miles north of the Russian/Ukraine border. We've been playing "spot the 3%" today and think we know where about 2.97% of it is,' said an American five-star general.

'We're not war-mongering, we're just on a day trip,' suggested a British Major. 'Belarus looks interesting, might pop over with a brigade or two later.'

All NATO commanders have ruled out nipping into St Petersburg - until Wednesday at least. As the tanks revved up the commanders were apologetic at cutting the interview short. 'As they say around here, Moscow,' said one commander.

Image: Pixabay/fotshot