Ukraine sick of laundering the underpants of sh*t UK politicians

Whenever a government minister totally craps the British bed we all have to lie in, they run away to Ukraine to have a bit of the Zelenskyy magic rub off on them. It cleanses the ills, dirt and utter filth, at least until the moment they return and immediately diarrhoea it all up again. It is known in Conservative circles as "Ukraine Washing".

'Unfortunately, there are so many Tories constantly fouling everything back home that there is a very long queue here,' sighed General Melnyk, of the Kyiv Guard. 'We could have panned the arses off those bloody Russians by now and stuffed them back in their shitty box - or poo tin, as it translates in Ukrainian - if we didn't have to keep stopping to smile and pretend we give a festering turd about what some dupka has shat up in Britain.

A Whitehall cleaning lady confirmed, 'You wouldn't think so much could come out of something so tiny. Rishi will just have to take himself and his pants full of excrement to the Russian laundromat instead. You know, the one round the corner here in Londongrad.'

A few words on leaving Kherson

The Russians were hating the sleet

And rations began to deplete

So goodbye to Kherson

Before it gets worsen

Just don’t call the thing a retreat

Our Ukrainian mission's complete

There's nothing left to eat

So we're going away In some disarray

Just don't call the thing a retreat

Image: Pixabay/Vladvictoria

Russia leaves giant wooden horse behind in Kherson as goodwill gesture to Ukraine

Retreating Russian troops have left behind an enormous wooden horse in the city of Kherson as a gesture of goodwill, it has emerged. Russian military sources confirmed that the giant wooden horse has been left as a gift to the Ukrainians as a reward for their superior fighting ability.

‘It looks like the Russians have left the city’ confirmed Ukrainian general Ivan Bondarenko.

‘At first we were very suspicious that their very public announcement of such an embarrassing retreat may have been some kind of Russki trap, but other than the wooden horse they’ve left behind in the centre of the city there’s no sign of them’.

Meanwhile, Russian leader Vladimir Putin has confirmed that due to the logistical difficulties with supplying the front line he decided to withdraw his troops from the city.

‘Sometimes you just have to admit when you’re beat’ Putin told Russian TV.

‘We’re definitely not up to anything sneaky or underhand, no way. We’ve just left behind a giant wooden horse because we thought Ukraine might like to keep it as a memento of their great victory in Kherson, we also left a bottle of Prosecco and a tin of Quality Streets. There’s nothing more to it than that’ continued Putin raising a pinkie finger to his lips.

However, locals in Kherson have warned advancing Ukrainian troops to be wary of a trap.

‘They’re definitely up to something’ says Kherson resident 88-year-old Anastasia Melnyk.

’ You can hear people talking loudly and singing Russian folk songs. Also every 5 minutes a trap door on the underside opens and you can see them taking a piss and throwing out empty bottles of Vodka’.

‘Apart from that it’s a pretty good plan’.

Image: Pixabay/brianneises