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A report printed in Nature has analysed the likelihood of tripping up and falling out of a high-rise building, a phenomenon generally considered unlikely due to building regulations around the world making accessing the exterior of high rise buildings extremely difficult, as evidenced by Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible episodes 1 - 10.


'We concluded that, in general, a person could trip up in virtually any high-rise building in the world and suffer, at most, a broken nose and some embarrassment, but apparently for a subset of persons of Russian origin, particularly those who had risen to the top of political, scientific or military stature, the probability of tripping, breaching glazing units designed to withstand a tree accelerated at speeds associated with tornados using only their unusually pre-crushed skulls was related to their public and possibly private misgivings about the special military operation in Ukraine.


'Luckily this phenomenon appears to apply only to the Russian elite,' concluded the article author who is survived by his spouse and two children following a tragic fall from a high-rise building alongside his Nature editor.







NATO officials state that there's 'nothing to see here' as they decide to play war games on the Russian border. 'We play war games all the time - in the US, on Salisbury Plain, in South Germany; so we just felt it would be fun to amass about a thousand spare tanks on the Russian border about five hundred miles north of the Russian/Ukraine border. We've been playing "spot the 3%" today and think we know where about 2.97% of it is,' said an American five-star general.


'We're not war-mongering, we're just on a day trip,' suggested a British Major. 'Belarus looks interesting, might pop over with a brigade or two later.'


All NATO commanders have ruled out nipping into St Petersburg - until Wednesday at least. As the tanks revved up the commanders were apologetic at cutting the interview short. 'As they say around here, Moscow,' said one commander.




In an astonishing display of two-faced political shithousery earlier today, British Parliamentarians gave several standing ovations to a man representing everything they abhor and avoid.


The subject of the applause was President Zelenskiy of Ukraine. He is renowned for his leadership, honesty, self-effacement, steadfast strength of purpose and promotion of the common good among his citizens.


Spectators were utterly bemused why MPs were praising these characteristics. Standard candidate selection procedures usually eliminate anyone showing such fanciful nonsense. Advancement within party hierarchies then requires their replacement by equal quantities of greed, personal wealth, indecision, and a final removal of all morals and conscience.


Why were all these carefully crafted anti-human designs so much in favour of Zelenskiy? Speculation includes that they may hold franchises for dark-green war fatigues. As one MP was heard to mutter while speaking later on the phone to his broker, "Zelenskiy? The vest a man can get."






image from pixabay


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