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Lotto winner: I'll fill up the car and turn on the heating




Car loving lotto winner Micheal Trippet, 37 from Stoud, yesterday spoke of his joy at receiving £1.8m in prize money.


"It's amazing, it means my dream can come true. Cars are my passion and now I have enough money to fill the tank."


Mr Trippet owns a 2007 Vauxhall Astra but hasn't been able to drive it since the price of fuel was driven up when Russia's lunatic-in-chief went full Dr Strangelove.


"It's just been sat on the drive for weeks. I'll have to put some air in the tires."


Personal finance expert Derek Hawthorne estimates Mr Trippet will be able to afford three full tanks of the 1.6 litre Astra with his winnings, after tax.


But Mr Tripper's is sharing his winnings with his wife, Janice 35, and she also has spending plans.


"I'm going to put the heating on." She said with an infectious giggle. "I can't believe it. We've been wearing these sleeping bags around the house for a month. My mother says there's no point as we'll all be superheated by nuclear armageddon soon enough, but I just think, sod it, I'm going to treat myself and just splurge on British Gas. Or is it Russian gas?"


Mr and Mrs Trippet are already planning their first drive, to the local supermarket. "It'll be nice to get behind the wheel again. And with a bit of luck we'll have a bit of cash left over to treat ourselves to some food from the Spar, if they've got anything on the shelves we can afford."


Author: Pagdog07



First published 10 Mar 2022



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Boris Johnson’s six point plan to end Ukraine crisis in full




1. Boney M’s ‘Rasputin’ to be banned from all UK radio stations


2. Beef Stroganoff to be removed from the House of Commons canteen


3. A complete cultural boycott of Russian touring artists (with exceptions for hot female violinists who for some reason find an overweight, shop soiled Furby in human form inexplicably attractive)


4. Liz Truss to be despatched to Moscow in a different ethnic Russian costume each week until Putin gets fed up


5. Roman Abramovich to be limited to owning no more than five diamond encrusted helicopters, while his super yacht must be permanently moored in Weston Super Mare


6. All donations to the Conservative Party from Russian oligarchs to be paid back immediately. Except there haven’t been any, honest. Stop playing politics, let’s move on etc.



First published 8 Mar 2022



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Ukraine peace-keeping coalition to include Russia



While the United States is choosing to prevent Ukraine defend itself, many European countries are preparing to provide peace-keeping forces in Ukraine to help maintain the peace, should a ceasefire be agreed.  The United Kingdom is expected to provide troops and material, the French - troops and catering, the Germans - troops and sausages and so on.


The United States of America is currently sulking so is not expected to show up, however President Putin has offered to provide Russian troops to compensate.  In fact, he's offering two troops for every Ukrainian, British, French, German etc troops in the country 'for balance'.


Keir Starmer is understood to be delighted at the offer of help.  'It's nice to finally meet a world leader who keeps his word,' he is understood to have said.


image from pixabay


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