UN peacekeepers determine whose turn it is ‘to put out the bins'

A General remarked: ‘We’re here to navigate the difficult path from conflict to peace, and to decide whether it’s this week that the garden waste bin goes out. Marital lines have been crossed, with both homeowners blaming the other for atrocities, such as trying to sneak pizza boxes in with the recycling.

‘We’ve seen examples of war crimes, with bin bags not being tied up and someone leaving week-old prawns uncovered. Neighbours have taken collateral damage, with unattended polystyrene packaging blowing up and down the cul-de-sac. We’ve even had reports of flowerbed border incursions and what looks to be a child’s mattress dumped on a lawn.

‘You’re going to see a lot of blue helmets on the ground – which will probably be filled with old tea bags’.

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UN Officials Expected To Return From Zaporizhzhia Nuclear Power Plant With Glowing Report

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Turkey tells UN it will be now known as ‘Nut Roast’

Ankara released a message: ‘Too long has our name been negatively associated with failure. And if we’re going to be linked to a festive meal, why that ridiculous bird? Why couldn’t we be called Cranberry Sauce – too rude, I suppose. Annoyingly some of the best names are already taken. Belgium has got dibs on the sprouts, Ukraine is nothing but stuffing these days and the UK is just a nation of pigs in blankets’

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