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Trump's latest rambling address to United Nations sparks consternation among world leaders

Writer: Chipchase
Chipchase
Sep 24

Just when it was thought Trump's pronouncements could not be come any more bizarre or unhinged, world leaders were left reeling and stupefied during his rambling address to the United Nations.


'I think,' said the ochre would-be emperor, 'these Chargossians should not be allowed to join the Federation. I told Captain Jean-Luc Picard this when he approached me for my views on the matter. A lot of people want to know my views on things. I'm a clever guy. Smart. Real smart. People say that. My views are the smartest. Fact.


'Captain Picard, I said, send those SOBs packing. Tell them to stick to their reality shows. By the way, I had a great reality show myself, the best, until Schwarzenegger destroyed it. So just you tell Kris, Kourtney and Kim, to stick to Botox and Butt Lifts. The kinda of important stuff. Hey, you know, I like the way they have names beginning with K. Three of them together right there in a row. Kinda neat, isn't it?


'I also said all this to the new mayor of Camelot, Arnie Bradham, when we met yesterday. And can you believe he didn't know who I was talking about? Maybe they need that Stormzy guy back in charge over there. I think they might.


'Anyway, that's it folks. Enough wisdom from me for one day. Cos now as the world's most important leader, I gotta go and build a new goldfish pond.' 





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Hancock falls foul of UN's new "no bellends" rule

Writer: Sir Lupus
Sir Lupus
Oct 18, 2025


Former Health Secretary Matt Hancock has seen his hopes of joining the UN gravy train dashed after the organisation announced that it had "just this week" implemented a "no bellends" rule that "obviously precluded Matt from taking this post".


The snub is a blow to Mr Hancock, who was hoping to reboot his political career with a little ineffectual posturing and corruption on the international stage, making a change from doing this only at UK level. The post was unpaid, but it's understood that the UK's Dr Covid Death had counted on filling his boots at diplomatic lunches and making some ready cash from contact backhanders along the way.


However, it seems that despite a history of appointing everyone from George W. Bush to Gerri Halliwell, Matt Hancock was a step too far for the UN. In the most decisive bit of action to come out of UN HQ for decades, a "no bellends as envoys" rule was drafted, amended, voted on and formally adopted within 48 hours. This was made possible by the agreement that it would not be applied retrospectively - causing audible sighs of relief in capital cities around the world, and meaning the UK is stuck not only with Rita Ora as a UNICEF Goodwill Ambassador, but we've still got Matt Hancock too.




First published 18 Oct 2021


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