Tiger Woods to be Trump's Middle East envoy

"He plays golf, he is behaving in an increasingly erratic way and he has convictions to his name," a spokes-putter for President Trump told reporters at Mar-a-Lago.

"Tiger Woods therefore seems the perfect representative for the President in peace talks with Iran.

"The only problem may be that Mr Woods attended the prestigious Stanford University.

"He might therefore bring intelligence and reasoning to the negotiations, rather than the blundering, pig-ignorant clown show that President Trump was planning."

image from Grok

Tramp awarded university degree after kipping in library

Brian, 53 (but looks 70) has become the first homeless person to be awarded a degree by the University of Padgate after spending five years sleeping in the Social Sciences section.

‘We checked the regs’, a spokesperson told us ‘and Brian’s time in the library could be APEL’d, which took care of year one’. APEL – or Accreditation of Prior Experience and Learning – is university-speak for cheating. It’s like Dark Matter but for qualifications.

‘He had to write assignments for years two and three but they weren’t bad. Okay, his academic writing could be better and he sometimes uses BBC Bitesize as a reference – but that’s true of most of our students’.

Brian’s dissertation – Girls Today: Highly Disappointing – was framed as a ‘lived experience narrative’ using swear words and graffiti in place of conventional sentence structure. It has been placed in the Restricted Reading section of the library.

Brian has had his critics at the university – mostly the security staff, really. Also his habit of constructing ‘book caves’ continues to irritate the librarians as it might set a bad example for the other sociology graduates sleeping rough there. Many students consider him an ‘inspiration’, given that he experienced despair, homelessness and poverty before attending university - whereas for them those are all in the future.

www.newsbiscuit.com

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/jarmoluk-143740/

Calculating bin day to be a post graduate qualification

With councils across the country making cuts to refuse collections across the board, it's making working out when the black bin is due to be put out difficult to anyone without a working knowledge of combinatorial mathematics.  Probability theory and Riemann diagrams help, especially when factoring in the green waste, which is on a different periodicity to the black bin, and glass, which alternates with paper, which occurs every other plastics collection.

Universities are running post graduate courses to their maths degrees, with the PGBB (Post Graduate studies in Black Bins) being the most popular, with the ABGVR (Advanced Black Green and Various Recycling) course in Council Refuse studies being a popular undergraduate option.

'Really, anyone who can work out what stuff to put in which bins correctly, to identify the various acceptable recyclable plastics and reject or set aside the specialist recycling should be able to ace either of these courses,' said Professor Jenkins of the Maths and Recycling department of York University.  'Plus, most councils now issue a four dimensional table clearly showing when to put the bins out anyway,' he added.