US Military | NewsBiscuit

B52s needed to protect the voting booths

Oct 8

President Trump has denied that the US Air Force has been spooked by three Transit vans and five guys syphoning petrol. The relocation of the B52 bomber fleet is more to do with illegal voting than being scared of Iran. Honestly.

'Iran isn't an issue for the United States,' he said today, 'but illegal voting is.' There is little, if any, evidence of meaningful voting crime in the US, and the President thinks dropping nuclear bomb on potential Democrat voting queues would completely eliminate it.

'I accept a few misguided Democrat voters might be collateral damage,' the President said, 'but my advisor in Moscow says this is the only way we can guarantee there aren't any false votes cast.'

President Vladimir Putin wasn't available for comment.

Image credit: ChatGPT

www.newsbiscuit.com

Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here

US bombers leave UK – oh dear, what a shame

Wrenfoe

Oct 7

While many might argue this weakens the special relationship, others would say that it means the UK is no longer snuggled up to Mad McTrump the Bedwetting Beast of Crazytown. What was originally pitched as a great security partnership soon turned into ‘congratulations, you're now on several targeting maps – and everyone hates you.’ Supporters call it deterrence. Critics call it painting a bullseye on the UK.

Explained one British General, ‘Nothing says independent foreign policy quite like discovering your nation has been automatically enrolled in someone else's argument. Hosting another country's bombers is a bit like lending a friend your spare room and waking up to find they've turned it into a fireworks warehouse.’

The Pentagon denied that hosting bombers had only been negative for the UK, ‘Our base lets the Brits feel that conflicts occurring 3,000 miles away are much more local. Why settle for making your own enemies when you can import a premium selection of US ones?’. One war protestor commented, ‘Our foreign policy is like a shopping trolley with a broken wheel: technically its ours, but clearly its going wherever somebody else is pushing it. This base acts as a diplomatic timesaver. Instead of asking where you stand on an issue, the rest of the world simply makes an educated guess.’

Image credit: ChatGPT

www.newsbiscuit.com

US troops in Germany glad to be going home

deskpilot

May 4

There are 36,000 US troops in Germany and Donald Trump is cutting that number by 5,000.

We spoke to some GIs about the plan. 'It'll be great to get home,' said Dwayne Lydd. 'The beer here tastes awful and not like Bud Lite at all. Although I must admit that the beer glasses are a good size. The sausages are not like proper hot dogs, all big and chewy. I think there's way too much meat on them. And European mustard is all wrong and too hot. So it will be good to get home for some proper chow.'

Base commander Todd Perch told us that it was hard to keep 36,000 soldiers occupied. 'There's only so many times you can clean the parade ground with a toothbrush. And nobody likes German lessons. And the market for sending BMWs back to the US has crashed since Trump's tariffs. So, to be honest, many of our boys are at a loose end.

'There's no real threat any more. Putin couldn't get to Kyiv by road, so the chances of the Red Army making it through Belarus and Poland are pretty slim. And all of his tanks are tied up in Ukraine. So I think that Germany will be just fine without us. They need some incentive to re-arm, anyway. Fourth Reich, anyone?'

Image: RGY23 - Pixabay

Back to Top