US billionaires to FINALLY get a break

America’s most oppressed minority – billionaires – have expressed relief that the current Commie hellscape is drawing to a close.

‘You wouldn’t believe how much tax I paid on my last moon base’, one billionaire told us. ‘I’m working night and day to put America on the map yet every gallon of space-grade rocket fuel carries more than a cent in tax. Doesn’t Biden WANT greatness?’

Donald Trump has promised to liberate America’s wealthy from the shackles of socialism. Private sex islands will now be tax-free, penis enlargement kits and fake tan dispensers will be provided from federal reserves and ‘people ownership’ will once more drive America’s industrial strength.

Presidential Hanger-On Elon Musk, and some other bloke nobody has heard of, will job share the role of making government more efficient by sacking all the people in it (except themselves). This will have the benefit of eliminating the Department of Education, which is kryptonite for billionaires. No date has been set for the book-burnings.

Picture credit: Wix AI

Editors note: Efficiency is improved if, for example, you can get more output from the same input, or the same output from reduced input. Sacking everyone, as referenced in the piece above, should certainly reduce input costs, but the effect on outputs might be harder to predict. Don't try to divide zero by zero, you'll upset the mathematicians. That's as far as we go on economics. If you want to know more, try WackyPedia.

AI president to be switched off

An AI generated president called Joe Biden will be switched off for good in January 2025. The software company that created the loveable and almost human president said that maintenance was becoming increasingly difficult and that parts were hard to get hold of.

A spokesman said, ‘Joe 2020, as we call him, has had a good run. He was very reliable until towards the end, when he did become a bit erratic.  He did stumble occasionally due to problems with his gravity sensors, and he made some dodgy jokes due to problems with his levity sensors.

‘We feel that we have taken the development of Joe 2020 as far as we could.  Parts of him are still based on Windows 93 and there is obviously a risk that he could be hacked.  He is also taking an increasingly long time to get going in the mornings when we switch him on. 

'Going forward we will be working with IBM on a new AI president, provisionally called Deep Orange.’

Picture credit: Wix AI / deskpilot

Dressing Trump as a schoolboy would give shooters a chance

Stung by criticisms of the inaccuracy of American marksmanship, the Secret Service has unveiled plans to dress Donald Trump as a schoolboy and leave him in a high school for a few days.

‘He wasn’t keen until we told him that there were girls at the school, and then he was all over the idea’, a spokesman said. ‘Shooters just seem more numerous inside schools and generally more accurate. We figure if we leak the name of the school, then we might all get lucky. Christ, we’ve been letting him walk slowly on golf courses surrounded by woodland – even that didn’t work.’

Picture credit: Wix AI