Trump sues Kamala Harris for being younger than him

Donald Trump's campaign has filed a complaint with the Federal Election Commission against Kamala Harris accusing her of being provocatively younger, blacker and with a better memory than the candidate he was expecting to battle.

'This is a thinly vailed attempt to make me look old, white and, what's that word?', said the complaint. 'What's more, she's never been pregnant. I've been pregnant so many times - everyone says so.'

Trump supporters have got behind the former president and pointed out that he is still taller than Ms Harris, although Ms Harris responded that Mr Trump was taller than her when he was lying down.

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‘Dark Mark’ seen over Michigan

The Ministry of Magic has moved to reassure muggles in Michigan after the Dark Lord’s mark was seen hovering in the night sky.

Death Eaters flew in to Michigan to pay fealty to their master, though some failed to secure an audience.

'I am here, Master,' shouted Nigel ‘Wormtail’ Fromage at Trump’s hotel window before being bundled away by security.

Fromage is believed to be ‘regretting’ writing a column in the Telegraph about his position in the Trump hierarchy and his unique place in Western democracy. He is also rumoured to have googled ‘tattoo removal’ somewhat obsessively.

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Disappointment as wrong senile, ineffectual elderly man leaves presidential race

Voters in the Unites States breathed a sigh of relief upon hearing a mentally incompetent elderly man had dropped out of the presidential race. Sadly, the relief was short-lived, as it turned out it was actually Joe Biden.

One disillusioned New England voter was quoted as saying, 'I don't think anyone was of the impression Biden's best years were ahead of him, but we're still left with the babbling, fraud convict and sex offender from the Apprentice? Really? The founding fathers would want their names purged from this project faster than Gary Glitter's backing band.'   

Whilst the nation at large was relieved that there were 50% fewer candidates on the ballot box whose mental state could only be described as relentlessly confused, the general feeling remained that when it came to running an incredibly powerful country with nuclear weapons and a raft of top-tier prestige TV shows, even one unbalanced nut-bar on the ballot still seemed like too many.

At press time, hopes that Trump would treat his new democratic rival, a black woman, with the bare minimum threshold of human respect were dashed by researching almost anything Trump has said in his time in or out of office on matters of race, women and human beings that disagreed with him.

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